by Ed Wimberly | Jan 11, 2020
Discipline-based parenting recognizes the differences between childhood mistakes, and challenges to their authority; punishment-based parenting does not consider the differences between the two.
Yet another task we are called on to perform as parents is to understand and evaluate before we respond, the difference between mistakes our kids make, and challenges to our authority. Sometimes things go wrong because our kids have challenged our authority, while other problems or conflicts are simply a result of their making a childish mistake. As difficult as it is to always be right in our assessment, it is important that we try, since how we respond should be based on what we have determined in our evaluation; how we respond to their mistakes will be different than how we will respond to them when they have challenged our authority.
What makes this task of distinguishing between the two a difficult one for us parents is the fact that often the main characteristic that sets mistakes apart from willful defiance and challenges is the motivation behind them. But if we can successfully determine what their motivations are, and whether or not they really do not know or understand something, then we will be more able to determine what our appropriate response should be.
Discipline-based Parenting
Discipline-based parents prepare for their response by taking the time to gather a little data. (I know. What parent has that kind of time, right?) If we determine that more than likely, the unacceptable behaviors of our kids are motivated by their need to, “show us who’s really in charge here”, then we must respond by showing them that, in fact, WE are in charge. If in our judgment their behavior is not an attempt to usurp our authority, but rather an error in judgment, an act of carelessness, or perhaps a lack of understanding, then a different response on our part is called for.
Punishment-based Parenting
Punishment-based parents do not take the time to evaluate what the motivations might be for any unacceptable behavior before taking action. It doesn’t usually matter to them whether a mistake is made or if they are being challenged. All that really matters to them is that something unacceptable just happened and that they want a change to be made. So what often happens is that kids get handed a punitive consequence for making a mistake that should have instead been addressed and dealt with only by correcting and teaching.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Assessing correctly whether our kids have simply made a mistake or if they are challenging our authority is not an easy task and few of us get it right all the time. There are, however, usually hints and clues they give off in either the look on their face or in their body language in the midst of the unacceptable event. These clues and hints may make our assessment a bit easier.
And if in the middle of it all, it becomes more evident that we have made a mistake in our judgment, it is ok and in fact necessary, to alter our responses. When we have concluded that our kids have made an error in judgment and behavior due to their immaturity and lack of knowledge or understanding, then what is called for is patient and understanding instruction rather than any form of consequence.
On the other hand, if it is determined that our authority is being challenged and an attempt is being made to “show us who is really in charge, then what is called for is discipline and the possibility of consequences.
Since punishment-based parents do not take the time to distinguish between challenges and mistakes, they run the risk of ignoring or overlooking a serious challenge to their authority, while actually punishing for a mistake that is made due to ignorance, clumsiness, or childish error in judgment.
I am reminded of an incident that happened when our oldest daughter was three. It serves as a good example of how important it is for us to do the best we can to assess and evaluate whether our kids have made a childhood mistake because they have not yet learned what the situation calls for, or if they are challenging our authority.
We were guests at a friend’s home and had just finished dinner and were ready to start in on a dish of ice cream that had been served for dessert. There was a bowl of chocolate syrup for anyone who wanted some to help them selves. The three-year-old son of our host was sitting next to our daughter. As the syrup was passed, he took a portion for himself, and then proceeded to put some on Ashley’s ice cream. He just figured that since he liked chocolate, surely everyone else would like chocolate too. I suspect too, that he was putting out the effort to be a good little host.
Since Ashley didn’t like chocolate, she kindly responded that she did not want her friend to put any on her ice cream. In spite of her declining his offer he continued to do it any way. Immediately, the boy’s father-who by the way was generally a great dad-hit his son’s hand and chastised him for putting the chocolate on my daughter’s ice cream when she didn’t want it. He had mildly punished his son for a childhood mistake that called for instruction rather than a punitive approach. The little boy had simply not yet learned in his three short years of life, that it would have been better to ask his guest if she wanted chocolate on her ice cream, and then to respect her request.
A bewildered look came over the little boy’s face, as if to say, “I don’t get it. Did I do something wrong?” Then, within just a couple of seconds, the look of surprise and confusion was replaced with a look of defiance that said something like, “I’ll show you!” At this point, our little host slapped back at his dad’s hand, as if to even the score. Dad’s response to his son’s slapping at him was to ignore it and to act as if his authority had not been challenged. While the dad had punished his son for making a mistake, he went on to ignore his defiant will, and all in the time frame of about twenty seconds.
Certainly, this is a small and rather insignificant event. And every good parent has had these reactions from time to time. But it does serve as a description of how punishment-based parenting can confuse childhood mistakes that are made because their kids have not yet learned, with challenges to their authority that occur because they want to be in charge and in control.
It is easy for any of us parents to forget that our kids-being the “new product” they are-can be clumsy, slow, careless, and awkward. Younger kids especially have not yet had many of the life experiences that will help them develop the social and physical skills they will need. If we take the time to distinguish between childhood mistakes, and defiance of our authority, then we will have made real progress toward raising great and angry-free kids. If we do not, then our kids will run the risk of growing up with a broken spirit and a defiant will.
Discussion Questions
- When you were growing up, did your mom and dad do a good job in responding differently to your mistakes than they did to challenges to their authority?
- In what ways did they respond differently to each?
- Do you see and understand the differences between your kids’ mistakes and their attempts to usurp your authority?
- How well (or poorly) do you do in making the distinction between mistakes and challenges to your authority before you respond?
- What are some differences between your responses in both?
by Ed Wimberly | Jul 1, 2019
In just about all areas of life – and especially in our relationships – we humans tend to make lots of assumptions. Whether it is in our marriage relationship, our friendship and peer relationships, in our relationships at work with superiors or subordinates, our natural inclination is to make assumptions about how to respond verbally, physically and emotionally to what we hear and see in the multitude of life situations we find ourselves.
Assumptions we make may be about what others want or expect from us, what is proper in terms of our behaviors in various circumstances, or what the other person means or intends by a comment made.
Assuming is not all bad. In fact it is just about inevitable that we will make assumptions and draw conclusions about what is going on around us all day long. And when we assume correctly, doing so serves us well. The problem arises when our assumptions are false but we nonetheless allow them to guide and influence how we conduct ourselves as if they were correct.
In short, assumptions that are true, correct and accurate, serve us well; those that are inaccurate and false, can create a whole slew of various and sundry difficulties for us.
As parents, a lot of what guides and influences how we conduct ourselves, how we interact and respond to our kids, is based on assumption. Again, assuming isn’t necessarily bad or counter-productive, but when we let our false assumptions guide us, well, it is like assuming that Kansas City is west of California. We may really believe it, we may be sincere in our assumption, but the fact that it is incorrect will not serve us well if our goal is to take a road trip to Kansas City.
And we make both correct as well as false assumptions based in large part on the experiences in life we’ve had. It stands to reason then, that we are all significantly influenced in our assumptions about parenting by how we ourselves were parented. Again, this may be very good and lead to effective parenting with our kids, or, it may send us in directions that serve neither our kids nor ourselves very well.
This series of 10 short articles will address what I believe are the most widely held and debilitating parenting false assumptions-assumptions that if not challenged can wreak havoc in our efforts to be the parents we want to be.
Just one small disclaimer that may send you to the delete button, but I hope not:
In my 46 years of private practice, I have seen no more than a handful-15 or so-children. (“So why should I listen to this guy go on and on about better ways to parent?”, you may be asking).
As we parents “fine-tune” our parenting attitudes and skills, we begin to see changes for the better in our kids.
I have not worked with children because I have usually found that as we parents “fine-tune” our parenting attitudes and skills, we begin to see changes for the better in our kids.
I have, however, worked with many, many adults who used to be kids and have often found that the parenting they received was directed and motivated by many of the false assumptions we will briefly address in these 10 articles.
So most of what I have written is influenced by my work with adults who in various ways often struggle as a result of some of these faulty assumptions they were parented with.
I invite you to read all 10 articles. And as always, feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts.
The 10 Common Parenting False Assumptions
- All unacceptable behaviors are signs of challenges to my authority so should be handled by me in the same way.
- Challenges to my authority are avoidable and if they do occur, it is sure sign that I am “losing the battle” and am not a good parent
- It is my anger that finally motivates my kids to obey.
- If I just love my kids enough, then everything else will fall into place.
- I should be able to out, “Yes, but my kids…”
- If my kids don’t seem to be listening, then they will not be affected by what I say about them to others.
- My kids must earn my respect and it can be lost if they don’t perform, obey, or live up to my expectations.
- Doing the opposite of what mistakes my parents made with me must be the right way for me to parent my kids.
- If I want my kids to love me, then they must need me.
- If my disciplinary approach works to get the desired behavior change in my kids, then it must be the right approach and all right to use.
by Ed Wimberly | Oct 20, 2019
All unacceptable behaviors are signs of challenges to my authority so should be responded to in the same way.
All unacceptable behaviors are not created equal. Of course we all know that. Some unacceptable behaviors that we endure with our kids are more painful and may have greater consequences. Some call for drastic measures on our part while others hardly need our attending to at all.
Just as important to realize is the fact that not all unacceptable behaviors that our kids might toss at us are necessarily all an attempt on their part to challenge or usurp our authority.
In my book, Parenting With An Attitude, 21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves, I make a distinction between the will of our kids, and their spirit. Their spirit refers to the attitudes they develop about themselves, as well as toward life in general. Among other characteristics, a healthy spirit reflects an attitude of self-acceptance and a well-balanced assessment of their worth and value. It is our role to help develop their spirit and to help protect it.
Their will on the other hand, is something very different and must be discouraged and harnessed, if you will. That too is an important part of our parenting task and goals. Their will refers to a natural tendency to be defiant, self-willed and demanding. We’ve all been witness to an individual-child or adult-whose will has not been discouraged nor harnessed; it’s not usually a pretty sight.
And most of us have witnessed a child or adult whose spirit, rather than his will, has been broken; that too, is not a very pretty sight. Too often, a child grows up to be an adult whose spirit was broken while their will ran amuck; yet another sight that’s not so pretty.
The reason it is important for us parents to understand the differences between the will vs. the spirit of our kids, is that there is no quicker way to break a child’s spirit and at the same time light a fire under their destructive will, than by making the false assumption that all of their unacceptable behaviors are motivated by their need and determination to usurp our authority. Let me explain.
It seems to me that behind most unacceptable childhood behaviors one of four causes can be found. There may be more than these four, but these are the most common and recurrent.
First, an unacceptable behavior may simply be due to ignorance.
And ignorance may be in play behind behaviors that we want to change at all ages of development. Understandably though, our kids are not above using ignorance as a reason when in fact it is not. That’s why our making the determination is so difficult, but nonetheless important to do.
When ignorance – something they have not yet learned – leads to an unacceptable behavior, then it must be addressed differently than if it had occurred as an attempt to usurp our authority.
The second cause that may at times lie behind an unacceptable behavior is a mistake.
Stated simply, that just means that or kid new better (was not ignorant), but got careless, didn’t think fast enough, or any one of a number of circumstances that interfered with their applying what they knew to the current situation. (I’m sure that most of us parents can relate to times when we knew better-weren’t ignorant-but for some reason, made a mistake that led to an unacceptable behavior on our part.
When a mistake leads to unacceptable behaviors, then it must be addressed differently than if it had occurred as an attempt to usurp our authority.
The third underlying reason that can lead to unacceptable behaviors we see in our kids is the need for attention.
This makes more sense when we understand the principle that, “negative strokes are better than no strokes at all”. “If I can’t get attention in positive and acceptable ways, then maybe misbehaving will get what I need”.In the course of our busy lives we can develop a pattern of giving our kids attention when it is absolutely necessary because they are in some way acting unacceptably, but to neglect giving them the attention they need when all seems to be going well. Too often, it can be the squeaky (misbehaving) wheel that gets the grease (our attention).
In spite of the fact that their negative behaviors seldom bring about what they most want, i.e., some form of positive connection, at least they get an acknowledgment via being yelled at, spanked or in any other way disciplined.
When the need for attention from us leads to unacceptable behaviors, then it must be addressed differently than if it had occurred as an attempt to usurp our authority.
And the fourth reason that can lie behind their unacceptable behaviors is in fact, their need to usurp our authority.
When that attempt is made, we must see it for what it is-not ignorance, not a mistake, and not a cry for a bit of attention, but the result of a full blown (but natural) need to be fully and completely in charge of his/her own life.
More about challenging and usurping our authority will be addressed in the following articles on false assumptions. Suffice it to say here once again, that it is essential to successful parenting that we do our best to assess and evaluate what the underlying reasons or motivations are behind the behaviors that need our attending to, before jumping in with a response. While some corrective response may be needed, which response is appropriate can only be determined when we have a good idea of what lies behind the unacceptable behaviors of our kids
Suggestion: Easier said than done perfectly, but attempt to evaluate what is behind unacceptable behaviors before responding to them.
by Ed Wimberly | Nov 1, 2019
Challenges to my authority are avoidable and if they do occur, it is a sure sign that I am “losing the battle” and am falling short of being a good parent.
Not only are challenges to our authority unavoidable, they are inevitable and must be seen as learning and shaping opportunities.
Don’t we all want our 18 year olds (they DO still leave home don’t they?!) to leave home having the confidence to think for themselves, and to make their own decisions? Don’t we want them to stand up and be respected for their thoughts, beliefs and values, rather than be swayed by peer pressure and all the other pressures to conform that will surely come their way?
Of course this is what we want. We just don’t want them to practice on us!
But practice on us they must and this is where their challenging what early in their development they simply absorbed as “the truth” from us, comes in. Granted, there is a good, acceptable and healthy way to challenge us, and that too must be shaped and influenced by our efforts. And we will do this more affectively and with greater success, when we see that it is natural and necessary for them to challenge what they have always accepted from us as gospel.
In Parenting With An Attitude….21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves, I address the idea of a sponge-like brain that our kids originally come equipped with at birth, so I won’t belabor the explanation here. Suffice it to say that, initially a small child’s response to what they hear, see and are told is to simply absorb and to conclude, “If you say so, it must be true” (man, those were good days. All we had to do was feed ‘em and wipe ‘em!). But very soon as their brain begins the slow but sure developmental process, this first response of absorbing as truth what they are exposed to, morphs into something like, “Wait a minute! What do I think”.
And this is when the birth of challenging our authority enters our relationship with them. We don’t have to like it, but we really do need to accept it, and to understand that it is not only necessary and natural, but that this new found ingredient of challenging us can be used to shape and mold them into a healthy adult who is able throughout their life to think wisely for themselves.
Suggestion: Recognize that some form and degree of rebellion (challenge) is necessary, and that it is the “bridge” between, “If you say so, it must be true”, and, “Wait a minute, what do I think?”
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
It is my anger that finally motivates my kids to obey.
How often have I heard this one? However, when you stop to think about it, this is a reasonable assumption that kids can make that seems to actually take on a bit of truth when the following pattern develops:
Mom instructs her kids to pick up all their toys before they start their favorite TV program. Two minutes later, the still fairly patient parent repeats her request- but this time with just a bit more exclamation and decibel in her voice.
Five minutes later, the somewhat more impatient parent returns, and much to her dismay, sees that the chore of picking up the toys has still not been accomplished.
This time, our now disgruntled mom yells at the top of her lungs, “I told you three times to pick up your toys. Now this time, do it!”. And sure enough, this time, they do it. They pick up their toys. Sure seems at first glance that the introduction of a little out of control anger was the missing ingredient the first several times, since, when finally it was included in the instructions, the toys got picked up.
So, it is easy to assume that the motivating variable was indeed anger. The trouble is that it was not.
Although at first glance it might look like it, the new motivating ingredient added the third time was not Mom’s anger, but rather, the understanding the kids finally had that Mom now meant it. In the past experiences, she never has really meant what she said until she said it with anger. This is because from countless past experiences, they learned that when Mom asked nicely the first time, she didn’t really mean to pick up the toys NOW, because they knew she would be back three or four more times before she would convey via her anger that now, she really did mean it.
Rather than anger being the motivating factor, the real influence for obedience kicks in when kids figure out, “Mom really means it this time, so we’d better comply”. The trouble is that in the incident described above, Mom’s anger was paired with her (this time) really meaning it; without the anger, they still had several more requests and warnings to come before they had to comply. So they didn’t.
The real motivating factor, then must be that, “Mom really means it”, but without pairing her request with her anger. The trick, then is to communicate the first time in a way that convinces them that, although the anger is not present, “I think Mom really means it the first time”.
Suggestion: Learn ways to show them by your words and actions that you mean what you say the first time and before anger has entered the picture (as usual, easier said than done, but a necessary goal nonetheless).
