Part 1: Maintain Your Influence

by Ed Wimberly | Apr 7, 2019

Authority-Based Parenting maintains its influence when the authority figure is no longer present; Power-Based Parenting is effective only as long as the power figure is present.

Two characteristics that most set authority-based parenting apart from power-based parenting is whether fear or reasoning is used to exert influence. While the power-based parent relies heavily on fear in order to bring about changes in behaviors and attitudes, reasoning is the earmark of parents who rely on their authority-rather than on their power-to bring about change and compliance.

Authority-based Parenting

Authority-based parenting teaches a clear understanding of the differences between what is right and what is wrong. Getting caught and suffering the consequences for wrong and inappropriate behavior-while important-is just one consideration in the scheme of things for the authority-based parent, and it is usually viewed as just a deterrent for immediate misbehaviors, and it is considered a relatively small change agent for the bigger and long term picture. For authority-based parents, it is the communication and reasoning which accompany the consequences that actually set the stage for life long differences in their kids.

Reason rather than fear is more associated with authority-based parenting than is fear. Certainly, fear and reason can be found in both power and authority based parenting. But for the most part, authority-based parents tend to rely more on the reasoning factor than on the fear factor, while power-based parents rely more heavily on fear, than on reason.  It would stand to reason, then, that one outcome of power-based parenting would most likely be kids who are more motivated by their fears than by good sound reasoning about what is right and what is wrong; fears of getting caught, fears of what the consequences to them selves might be if they were to be found out. Likewise, it could be safely assumed that the reasoning factor in authority-based parenting would be more likely to lead to a consideration of what is right and what is wrong, regardless of whom, if anyone is around.

Authority-based parents understand the inevitability of disobedience and are then able to use it as a vehicle for teaching the difference between what is right and what is wrong. While appropriate consequences are used, they also employ a healthy dose of reason. Rather than being threatened or discouraged by challenges to their authority, they take advantage of them to teach and mold their kids. In short, while appropriate consequences are certainly used, along with them comes a good deal of talking, instructing, and listening as well.

When kids disobey, the common response of an authority-based parent is not to attack verbally or physically, not to use put-downs or to ridicule, and not to rely on unreasonably harsh consequences. Instead, they rely more on time spent talking (and listening) about why what the child did was unacceptable and what is expected next time. While our role as authority figure in their lives requires that we administer appropriate consequences, they are an augment to the learning that takes place through the time consuming efforts of guiding, directing, and communicating.

Power-based Parenting

Power-based parenting sends to their kids the message that misbehavior-whatever form it might take-is wrong only if they get caught and suffer enough as a result of having been detected. So the fear of pain and detection is what encourages obedience and compliance. The intent of the power-based parent is to bring about behavior and attitude changes by making the consequences grim and painful enough that their kids would not dare commit the unacceptable again. Seldom is reasoning and productive instruction a part of the power-based parent’s response to unacceptable behaviors from their kids.

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them”, “its only wrong if I get caught and have to pay the consequence”, are familiar reactions in kids who have been raised in a power-based parenting family.

Since fear is a primary ingredient used in power-based parenting, kids who have been raised in a power-based home tend to develop “non-detection” techniques such as lying, manipulating, and sneaking. When fear is the primary motivating factor, then kids learn to “wear” their parents’ values and expectations only as long as they are present to hold them accountable with the fear of detection. When the power figure is not present, then the motivation of fear is gone, and they can do as they please. As kids from power-based parenting grow up and away, they will likely continue the charade with society, friends, authority, and with their spouse as well.

Power-based parents rely on verbal abuse, threats, guilt, put-downs, and unreasonable consequences. Usually, there is very little instruction or reasoning. Little is learned regarding right and wrong so the outcome gives rise only to the notion that, “I’d better not get caught next time”, and the need to do what is right plays into the decision making process very little, if any. Power-based parents usually assume that if the punishment is severe enough, then talking, listening and instructing with reason, will be unnecessary. In short, the goal is, “to teach them a lesson they will never forget”. Unfortunately the only lesson that is learned is, “I’d better not get caught next time”.

What’s a Parent to Do?

It is inevitable that we parents will play a role in shaping the morals and values that our kids eventually take on as their own. While we are by no means the only source of influence, their sense of right and wrong will initially evolve and emerge in large part as a result of their relationship and interaction with us.  What they consistently hear from our lips and how they see we live our lives will both provide the early framework for how their moral character develops and evolves.

So there is simply no such thing as a neutral influence when it comes to our role in this area of their lives. And how we influence them will be determined by many factors. One way or another though, we will play a significant part in influencing their moral character.

As a result of using our authority rather than our power, it will be more likely that our kids will develop an internal value system that will guide their decisions and behaviors when we are not around. What will be more likely to guide their actions will be what they have learned about right and wrong, rather than what they think they can get away with.

The question we must all ask ourselves is: do we use fear, or do we rely instead on reasoning, in our efforts to shape and influence our kids? Certainly, the temptation is always there to rely on the fear factor rather than the reasoning factor since it is so much quicker and often may seem to bring about the immediate desired change. Reasoning takes far more time-a commodity that is scarce for all of us. But take the extra time we must if we want to maintain and strengthen our influence when we are no longer in the picture, either because they have grown up and away, or because we just happen to be in the next room or in some other way, they are out of the scope of our detection.

In the long run, though, the time and effort spent teaching, and shaping our kids through the process of reasoning will reap grand benefits not only for our kids, but for us and our society as well.

The prevalence of this, “they will never know the difference” thinking suggests that for too many, what most influences their behaviors are “external watchdogs”, rather than a healthy internal belief system of what is right and what is wrong. It further suggests the notion that the primary motivation is what one can get away with, rather than an internal conviction-the influence of one’s conscience development.

Discussion Questions

1. When you were growing up were your parents an authority figure and influence, or were they more of a power figure in your life?
2. Are you affected in your life today as a result of their having been either an authority in your life that used reason, or a power over you that used fear?
3. What is your relationship like with them today?
4. Is your relationship with them today affected by whether they used power-based parenting or authority-based parenting when you were growing up?
5. Would you characterize the approach you use with your kids today as a power-based or authority-based parenting model?
6. How does your parenting style seem to be working and what affect does it have on your kids?

Part 2: Foster Independence

by Ed Wimberly | Apr 6, 2019

Authority-Based Parenting Fosters and Encourages Independence; Power-Based Parenting Fosters and Encourages Dependence.

We have all known adults who have a difficult time making decisions. I suppose all of us do from time to time, but for some, it is a chronic problem that wreaks daily havoc in their lives. Whether faced with the decision of where to go for dinner, which item to purchase, or what class to take, making decisions can be a difficult and sometimes even painful event. For some, it seems always a better plan to defer to the judgment of others, than to face the difficult task of trusting their own judgment.

Authority-based Parenting

Authority-based parents apply the wisdom of gradually and appropriately broadening the guidelines to allow their kids just enough safety from serious harm (For more on establishing appropriate guidelines for our kids, refer to question #20 in my book, PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE). At the same time, they help them to learn how to gather the data and on the basis of that data, take educated risks. After all, isn’t taking educated risks what good decision-making is all about?

By encouraging independence, authority-based parents provide their kids with the opportunity to learn and succeed through actually failing at times. In so doing, not only do they learn to reassess and succeed through their mistakes, they also learn that making mistakes isn’t the end of the world. Someone once said, “Show me a success and I’ll show you a failure”. The implication here is that many successes come as a result of having failed along the way and then learning from those failures by evaluating what went wrong, deciding what to avoid next time, and then trying again. Certainly, Babe Ruth, who until recently, held the honor of “home run king”, would be an example of succeeding through his failures, since he also holds the unofficial record of having struck out more than most players as well!

Power-based Parenting

There seems to be two common fears that develop in the emotional make-up of kids who are raised by power-based parents who encourage dependency that is unreasonable and unnecessary. The first fear that is characteristic of over dependent kids is a general fear of failure.

For “decision-phobic” adults, their difficulty often grows out of a childhood where someone was constantly there to make decisions for them-decisions they should have been encouraged to make for themselves. Too often, there was someone who was willing-even eager-to protect them from any possibility of failure. Or perhaps, the motivating factor was not so much to protect, but rather, it was simply easier to make a quick decision for them.

In either case, the early child-hood conclusion seems often to be, “why risk failing if someone else will do it for me?”. While they do indeed avoid possible mistakes and failures by being protected from decision-making, these kids also grow up less able to think and work through the very important process of decision making. In addition, by being protected from the possibility of failure, they are likewise deprived of the good feelings that accompany successful decision-making.

A second fear that seems often to emerge from excessive dependency is the fear of rejection. Kids that are raised with the dependency that often accompanies power-based parenting, tend to grow up excessively needing the approval of Mom and Dad. While seeking our approval might in their early years be healthy and desired, eventually what must become most important is not our approval, but their own assessment and self-approval.

When this motivating characteristic of self-approval does not evolve and develop, then it becomes more likely that as they grow up and away from home, Mom and Dad, that they will simply learn to transfer that dependent need for approval to others in their life. Since making the wrong decision, they reason, could lead to disproval and even rejection, they choose to remain passive and dependent”.

So power-based parents run the risk of creating in their kids an unhealthy dose of dependence by not allowing and encouraging them to practice their decision-making skills within the safety of well placed, but sufficiently broad, guidelines.

What’s a Parent to Do?

In order to avoid both a fear of failure, as well as a fear of rejection, it is essential that we instill within our kids a deep sense of independence. In order for us to do so, we must offer them a healthy portion of support and encouragement, along with our ever-expanding guidelines within which they may freely and with safety take the risks of being independent from us. While independence is a personality characteristic that most of us parents want for our kids, it is easy to fall into patterns that reinforce and encourage the very opposite.

Discussion Questions

1. When you were growing up did your parents encourage you to be independent within guidelines that provided some safety, or was being independent discouraged?
2. How did their attitude regarding independence/dependence affect you as you were growing up? How are you affected today?
3. Is your attitude regarding independence/dependence with your kids today similar to the attitude your parents had with you?
4. How do you see your kids doing with regard to practicing independence within the guidelines you have set for them?
5. If inappropriate dependence on you is a problem with your kids, what are some changes you could make?
6. Do you have some fears you must face in allowing your kids to be more independent?

Part 3: Establish Guidelines

by Ed Wimberly | Apr 5, 2019

Authority-Based Parenting establishes guidelines that are fluid and flexible while Power-Based Parenting establishes guidelines that are rigid and inflexible.

Authority-based Parenting

Authority-based parenting regularly considers adjusting the all important guidelines they have established for their kids. While all of us adjust to some degree along the way, there are some important differences that set authority-based parents apart from power-based parents.

It is important not to confuse flexibility with inconsistency that seems to change with the wind and for no apparent reason. Since consistency is one of the ingredients that foster safety, predictability and an understanding of cause-effect, it is an important characteristic found in successful parenting. The key is to be willing and able to be flexible and at the same time, consistent.

So in terms used here, flexibility that is an earmark of authority-based parenting refers to fairness and the willingness to reevaluate decisions and circumstances based on new information that comes to light.

In PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE (question # 20), I emphasize the importance of establishing for our kids appropriate guidelines within which they are able then to freely function. I suggested, too, that these guidelines are important for three reasons: 1) safety-for their physical and emotional protection and well being; 2) to provide them with as much predictability in their lives as possible, and, 3) to help give them a sense of cause-effect-an understanding of the relationship between actions and consequences.

The example I gave to describe the importance of guidelines for our kids was a freeway, with all of those lines, bumps and signs that require certain behaviors from us as we drive. We have all at one time or another been driving down a well-marked freeway, perhaps late at night when suddenly all of the lines and those little bumps in the middle of the road disappear. It doesn’t take us long to realize that the road we’re traveling has been repaved and that those little men in orange have not yet returned from their coffee break to remark the road for our protection. Temporarily, we do not have the guides on our road to show us what is expected from us and what we can expect from others. Soon, a bit further down the road, the bumps and lines reappear and again, we feel safe. At last, we know what is expected of us and what we can expect from others. Again we feel safe because we have a certain degree of predictability that we can use to make decisions.

It is one task to establish these guidelines within which our kids can feel safe and experience some degree of predictability. It is yet another task (as if we were looking for something else to do!) to consistently consider and evaluate adjusting those guidelines. Of course, the easiest thing to do would be to establish those guidelines the day our kids are born, never again to be considered until at last, on their eighteenth birthday, we remove them all!

What adds to the difficulty of our task as parents is the responsibility of constantly reevaluating the guidelines we have established, adjusting and readjusting them based on the ever-changing factors and circumstances that must be considered. Circumstances like their age, our perception of their maturity, attitudes, how well or poorly they handled our last expanding of their freedom, all play an important role in our determining the wisdom of either expanding or contracting their scope of freedom-the guidelines we set within which they may then freely function.

Power-based Parenting

Rigidity is part of the anatomy of power-based parenting, and relates to either contracting guidelines for no good reason, or refusing to expand the parameters, even though there is new and relevant data. Out of nowhere, the guidelines are either tightened or broadened-and for no particular reason-and then just as quickly and unexpectedly, they are reversed. This kind of surprise and lack of reason can do nothing but leave our kids confused and feeling insecure. And most often, the only explanation kids get from their power-based parents is a curt, “because I said so”, or, “because I’m your parent”.

When power-based parenting relies on rigid but inconsistent guideline, there are two common and probable outcomes that may develop in the personality of our kids. They may eventually get to such a point of frustration that they break through our inconsistent and rigid guidelines we’ve set, and begin doing things “my way” without thinking through the all-important “cause-effect”. In this case, no longer is what we expect of them considered by them, and we lose much or even all of our influence.

Since these kids have not learned how to make safe mistakes within the relative safety of appropriate guidelines and parameters, their rebellion leads to more mistakes that they are not equipped to handle. In such a situation, the inevitable outcome is frustration, self-defeating rebellion, and poor self-esteem. Unfortunately, we see signs of this all over and throughout our society today in delinquency and other forms of destructive rebellion. Basically they are saying, “I don’t care what the guidelines for my behavior are, from now on I’m doing things my way, and for myself”.

The other common outcome is less obvious and perhaps less destructive to the rest of us, but it is nonetheless unfortunate. Some kids react in just the opposite way as those described above, and become spineless adults who seek out someone else to be in control of them. Sadly and ironically, both of these resulting personality characteristics too often come together in marriages and other relationships where one person, needing to control and dominate, seeks out another who has given up, has become spineless, and is now looking for someone to continue the pattern of dominance and control. Needless to say, such a match makes for a miserable relationship that more often than not ends in pain and sadness.

What’s a Parent to Do?

While authority-based parents recognize the importance of guidelines, they see too, the necessity within those guidelines to give their kids the room to maneuver, to take risks, to work through trial and error decision-making, to succeed, and to fail. They see the necessity of all of these experiences for the purposes of learning and maturing. And rather than using their guidelines and parameters as heavy restraints that leave little freedom, they view their guidelines as a safety net designed to protect.

If it our goal to raise great kids, then we must give them the freedom that may at times allow them to fail and to make mistakes. We must have the faith that when they do blow it, that they will be equipped to learn from their failings. Our challenge, of course, is to set their guidelines in such a way that they are still as safe as possible in their efforts at trial and error.

Discussion Questions

1. When you were growing up did your parents encourage you to be independent within guidelines that provided some safety, or was being independent discouraged?
2. How did their attitude regarding independence/dependence affect you as you were growing up? How are you affected today?
3. Is your attitude regarding independence/dependence with your kids today similar to the attitude your parents had with you?
4. How do you see your kids doing with regard to practicing independence within the guidelines you have set for them?
5. If inappropriate dependence on you is a problem with your kids, what are some changes you could make?
6. Do you have some fears you must face in allowing your kids to be more independent?

Part 4: Teaching Self Control

by Ed Wimberly | Apr 4, 2019

Authority-Based Parenting teaches self-control to kids by gradually giving up control over them while Power-Based Parenting fears losing control.

It quickly becomes all too clear to the young couple driving home from the hospital-having just given birth to a brand new baby boy or girl-that they are now in total and complete control of an absolutely helpless human being. They’d better be aware of it, because it’s the truth! That little baby is in control of nothing and it is clear that someone has got to take full charge if he is to survive and thrive.

And yet, in spite of the necessity of initially taking over full and complete control of that “new product”, it is eventually necessary that this young mom and dad begin gradually to give over to that infant some control over his own life. Done properly, this transition will take place over a long period of time (about eighteen years, I’d say) and will occur in line with the social, emotional, and physical maturity that will also occur.

This transition of control from Mom and Dad to their newborn baby will not only be a very gradual process, but also will likely take place by trial and error and hit and miss. But for the sake and well being of their new baby, it must nonetheless happen.

So far so good. Few would argue the point thus far. Of course we parents initially have total control; of course we must transfer that control to our kids. And certainly, this transition is accomplished over a period of time, and often in less than perfect fashion. The differences between the two parenting styles of authority-based parents and power-based parents is not usually seen in the desired outcome; neither style of parenting wants to be now and forever more in control of their kids-some just want to be in full control right now. Both parenting styles would probably say their desire is to ultimately produce an adult child who is no longer under their care and control. The differences can be seen more clearly in the form and style with which the attempt is made to complete that task.

This is where further distinctions need to be drawn between authority-based parenting and power-based parenting. In this area of control, there are a number of distinctive differences to be found between the two parenting styles.

Authority-based Parenting

Authority-based parents are consistently on the lookout for circumstances that appear safe to release just a little more control to their kids. Since they value the notion of setting their kids free in a safe and gradual fashion, they are willing to face a certain degree of risk in doing so. And their risks are based on continually gathering the ever-changing data that comes their way, evaluating it, and where appropriate, adjusting their level of control.

When authority-based parents consistently let their kids stretch their ever growing wings by letting go of the control we have over them, we send a very clear message that further fosters the goal of raising truly great kids. “We (I) trust you”, “we have confidence in your abilities”, “we are here to support you and your efforts as you grow”. These are but a few of the nurturing messages our kids receive from us that in turn, encourages their growth and confidence. Messages like these  give them healthy and positive expectations to live up to, and as they do, they will be more likely to grow confident and self-assured. And during the entire process, they will know that we are still there in the form of a safety net to keep them relatively protected during their trial and error efforts to gain self-control.

Power-based Parenting

Power-based parents, on the other hand, seem determined to maintain as much control over their kids, and for as long as they can. They are usually in no hurry to relinquish their parental control, and in some instances, they even resist the idea. Since transferring their control over to their kids is not a high priority, they do not look for circumstances in which they can take the risks of letting go. They may simply be too frightened to do so, they may not think it is worth the effort, or they may not see the importance in doing so (for more on this, refer to question #7 in my book,  PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE….21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves).

Whatever the reasons might be, messages are sent to kids who are raised with little encouragement to develop a healthy balance of control over their own lives. These messages interfere with, and run contrary to, the notion of raising great kids.

Messages such as, “I (we) don’t trust you to gradually take over the controls”, or, “I am afraid of giving up my controls over you”, inevitably get translated loosely into, “I must not be capable of controlling myself”, “I need others to be in control of me”, and, “I should be afraid of being in control of my own circumstances”. These messages and conclusions having been drawn then, have the tendency to turn into self-fulfilling prophecies for our kids; if they conclude that they are not capable of having control over their own lives, then as they grow older, they will be more likely to set out in life to live down to those expectations we have for them. For more about how our expectations affect our efforts to raise great kids, refer to question #1 in PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE.

What’s a Parent to Do?

Since our kids tend to either live up or down to the expectations we have of them, it is important for us to consider seriously the messages we convey to them through either excessive control, or through our efforts to give up the control to them. Through gradually giving up the controls, authority-based parents more consistently send a message of trust and confidence. Power-based parents, on the other hand, convey quite the opposite message: that they are not trusted, that they do not have confidence in them, that it is somehow not safe, and that they are expected to remain under control until further notice.

If we are to raise truly great kids, it is important to effectively use our god-given authority in their lives. And in order to accomplish this, it is important that we recognize the very fine line that exists between our use of power, and our use of authority. Although there are a number of useful characteristic differences, none are more important than this issue of control.

Discussion Questions

1. Did your parents use authority-based parenting or did they use power-based parenting?
2. Depending on which they used, how did their approach affect you then? How about now?
3. Which category of parenting styles would you place yourself in as a parent?
4. How does your current approach regarding the transfer of control seem to be working?
5. Do your kids seem to be developing an appropriate degree of being in control of their own lives?
6. As a parent, what struggles (if any) do you have with giving up control, giving your kids room to take safe risks, and in allowing them the freedom to learn through trial and error?
7. Are there new risks you need to take as a parent that will help develop in your kids more appropriate and gradual control over their own lives?