by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
If I want my kids to love me, they must need me.
It can be easy for us parents to confuse our kids needing us with their loving us. If there were indeed a connection between the two, then let’s hear it for raising kids that never learn how to live life without assistance from us! Let’s hear it for raising kids that never leave home! After all, what parent in their right mind would encourage their kids to grow and mature into a free standing, independent person if they believed that in doing so, they would no longer be the recipient of their offspring’s love and affection?
Clearly, if we believe that as our children become more self-sufficient and independent, that their love for us dwindles, then because of our understandable desire to be loved by them, it stands to reason that we would do little if anything to help them develop the independence necessary for healthy and mature adult living.
When parents raise their kids under this false assumption-and it is usually subtle rather than a conscious decision they have made-then it follows that there will be greater likelihood for relationship problems and difficulties to develop between them, not to mention setting the stage for relationship issues throughout the course of their adult life.
The truth is however, that in healthy and growing relationships, there is no connection between being needed and being loved. If you believe this, then your parenting will look remarkably and positively different.
There is a sad irony in all of this:
When we falsely assume that in order to be loved, we must be needed, the outcome is likely to be the very opposite of being loved. This is because when a child has been deprived of the necessary guidance and encouragement to be independent, and in so doing maintains his dependence on others, he will likely become angry and bitter toward the very one who so badly needed his love in the first place. Anger and resentment is a common outcome because their dependence has created weakness, much like when muscular atrophy occurs due to lack of use. They feel helpless and incapable of taking care of themselves and typically, they blame their enabler.
There are of course, all levels of severity to the possible outcomes of dependence. But in any case, creating undue dependence in our kids in order to be loved by them is never a good idea.
Suggestion: recognize there is no connection between being loved and being needed, and that there are much better reasons for your kids to love you.
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
If my disciplinary approach works in getting the desired response I want from my kids, then it must be the right approach and ok to use.
On a related topic to this false assumption, you might want to read my Authority-based Parenting Series, as well as my Discipline-based Parenting Series.
Parenting by this false assumption can lead to “winning the battle, but losing the war” with our kids. In considering this, would you first take a minute to review the distinctions between their will and their spirit? An explanation of the differences can be found above in False Assumption #1. It is important to understand the differences between the two and to remind ourselves from time to time just how important it is to encourage their spirit, while teaching them to bridle and control their will.
Simply using any method of correction we might choose may indeed bring about immediate behavior improvement, but at the same time stifle their spirit and light a fire under their strong and potentially destructive will.
Someone recently commented to me that their child was well behaved and never gave her any grief. She was quick to add, “So I must be doing something right”. Perhaps she was right, and hopefully so, but not necessarily.
All sorts of responses to unacceptable behavior and attitudes come to mind. And all would likely bring about our desired attitude and behavior adjustment in our kids:
- Grounding for six months as a result of disrespect
- Beating them for taking money from your wallet
- Public humiliation for talking back
- How about a little water boarding to cure the problem of sneaking out after hours?
- Yelling and threatening for not eating properly at the table
- The silent treatment for lying
- A ball and chain might work well to bring an end to wandering off without permission
- Washing their mouth out with soap for swearing
- Ten hour work day in the yard (how ‘bout no food or water?) for failing to do a chore
Exaggerations all, but I think you get the idea.
It might be tempting to indorse any of the above if the only goal in our disciplinary efforts were to effect an immediate change in how our kids are acting. The goal however, is far more profound and far reaching than merely extracting instantaneous changes in how they are currently conducting themselves.
It might help to remember that whenever our kids are behaving in some way that is unacceptable, we are given yet another opportunity to shape and influence both their spirit and their will. And what disciplinary responses we choose will help determine whether we shape and encourage a vibrant and healthy spirit, or whether we actually encourage and reinforce the development of a willful and defiant attitude in them.
Suggestion: Remember that although our response may immediately work to bring about desired changes, there may be undesirable results to our inappropriate choices of disciplinary actions.
Discussion Questions
- Did any of these false assumptions ever play a part in how you were raised?
- Do any of them occasionally show up in your own parenting efforts?
- In addition to the above suggestions, can you share any other ideas that could be helpful? If so, feel free to weigh-in with your thoughts in the comment section below.
