by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
If I just love my kids enough, everything else will fall into place.
There was a book written in the early 1970’s I believe, titled, “Love is Not Enough. As the title suggests, the author’s primary objective was to drive home the point that when it comes to parenting, there is more involved, more required of us parents, than to simply love our kids. Most of us know that, but too often it seems that many of the other ingredients required for successful parenting are minimized or in some cases, left out al- together.
I’m not certain, but it does seem to me that out of all the responsibilities we have as parents, loving our kids is the only one that is instinctual. It is innate, it is there from the very beginning, and does not come and go based on how we otherwise are feeling toward them during difficult times.
We don’t really have to work at loving them. Even in the midst of wanting to strangle the little devil, we still love him; even when our little girl who used to worship the ground we walked on begins to question and doubt us, we still love her.
So if love is the only instinctual ingredient in our role as a parent but it is not enough, then what else is required of us?
In an attempt to answer this question, I wrote, Parenting with an Attitude….21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves. Rather than repeat myself, I refer you to a list of 21questions that address what beyond loving our kids is necessary for their emotional health and well-being. It is certainly not an exhaustive list, but rather examples of parenting responsibilities that take an intentional effort on our part with our kids that don’t just happen naturally because we love them. And, as the title suggests, all 21 questions address the importance of our attitudes toward them.
Suggestion: Remember that loving our kids-as important as it is-is just the foundation for much more that they need from us.
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
I should be able to out, “yes, but” my kids.
In all my many years, I have never met a parent who could actually out, “yes, but”, a kid who was determined to get what they wanted. I have concluded that it is just not possible since kids have infinitely more new and fresh ways of shaping and reshaping their request, than we parents have new ways of saying, “no”.
So why do many of us continue to rally back and forth with our kids in a futile attempt to get them to gladly accept our “no”?
Possibly the most common reason is that we want our kids to be happy, even though we are unwilling to provide that happiness by giving in to their wishes when we know better than to do so. What often keeps us in the debate is that we are hoping to get from them a response that might go something like one of the following:
“Oh, thanks for saying no. You are right!”
“I really need you to limit me and I appreciate it”.
“Thanks for interfering with my getting what I want. That makes me sooooo happy!”
“I’m glad you are wise enough to know that I’m not mature enough to realize that what I want is not good for me, so thanks for watching out for me”.
“Thanks so much for saving me from myself!”
Dream on. We may never get those responses-and if we do, it will be long after the fact. Probably not until they have given birth to their own kids and finally get it.
The outcome of such futile battles with our kids is usually one of two unfortunate Scenarios. Either we get so worn down that we give in to their pleading just to end the pain of it all, or we get so frustrated that our anger leads us to play the power card (because I’m your mother!), thus ending the discussion in a destructive manner that damages our relationship . Neither is acceptable and certainly not enjoyable.
Consider this alternative approach:
Son: “Hey, Dad, can I spend the night at Jason’s house tonight?”
Dad: “I’m going to have to say no since it’s a school night and you need to be up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for school. Maybe another time”
Son:“But Dad, (yada, yada, yada)”
Dad: “I’ve told you once but just to make sure you heard me, I’ll say what I said one more time (no need to change your wording the second time. It’s a lot easier and far less taxing just to use your original words). I’m going to have to say no since it is a school night and you need to get up early for school tomorrow morning. Maybe another time”.
Son: “But Dad, (a new and improved version of the original yada, yada, yada)”
Dad: “I don’t have any other way of explaining my decision so I won’t try again to get you to understand. It’s not that I want to cut off communication with you, it’s just that I don’t have any more to tell you that I think might help you understand”.
Why is it that all this stuff is far easier to explain than it is to do!? But do, we must.
Suggestion: State your position clearly, be willing to repeat it a second time if necessary, and no more. (“If I had any more to add, or a better way of stating what I have already said, I’d say it again. I don’t, so I won’t”).
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
If my kids don’t seem to be listening, they won’t be affected by what I say about them to others.
In my book Parenting With An Attitude, as well as in False Assumption 2, I go into detail describing what I call a child’s sponge-like brain. I suggested the idea that our kids are constantly absorbing into that little sponge, data that comes their way. While some aspects of personality are genetic and predisposes us to certain characteristics, much of how we develop and evolve from an infant to a full blown adult comes about as a result of what we hear, how we are treated, what we observe and the messages we are given during that stage of development where our brain doesn’t have the capacity to do much more than to absorb.
Once that little sponge-like brain has absorbed and basically concluded, “if they say so, it must be true”, then the tendency for the owner of that brain, is to set out in life to reinforce, substantiate and perpetuate what it initially absorbed from what it heard.
This is kind of like brain washing I suppose, but this inevitable process-call it shaping or call it brain washing-can be advantageous to the development of our kids, or it can be misused and lead to an unfortunate result, depending on the messages they hear from us. That’s in large part an explanation-albeit simplistic-of personality development.
While their sponge-like brains are constantly absorbing, so too are their two ears constantly transmitting to their brain what they hear, weather they appear to be tuned in to what we are saying or not.
I must confess to a habit of occasionally eves dropping on conversations taking place at Vons (or any other public place for that matter) between two shopping parents. I know they are parents when, not far from the conversation taking place can be found a couple of kids, both vigorously scaling a mountain of cantaloupes, or maybe attempting to surreptitiously load Mom or Dad’s cart with quite a few boxes of frosted flakes.
And while the kids are busy being kids, there is the following conversation going on between the two parents who have run into each other:
“Jamie is fairly coordinated, but her brother is the smart one”
“I really don’t like bringing Austin to the store with me because when I do, it always seems to take me longer”.
“I can’t tell you how sad I was when my sitter pooped out and I had to bring Conner today”.
Justin just can’t seem to catch on to second grade. I’m beginning to think we should have held him back”.
I know what you’re thinking: picky, picky, picky. Perhaps, but it is important to consider how over time, our messages begin to create a blue print for a child’s self-esteem. So why not fill their little sponge-like brain with positive messages for them to live up to, rather than negative ones for them to live down to?
Certainly all of us have said things within ear shot of our kids that weren’t the best. And we could argue that they don’t seem to have been negatively affected much. True enough. It is not so much the occasional messages, but rather, a chronic and repetitive pattern of negative messages we want to avoid.
Fortunately, we can get away with making mistakes-lots of mistakes in fact. That’s a good thing since none of us is perfect and we will all make plenty of blunders during the course of our parenting years.
For more on this subject see my book Parenting With An Attitude, specifically chapter 1 “What Do My Kids Hear Me Say About Them?”.
Suggestion: avoid saying anything about your kids-either to them or to others-that you don’t want them to hear. Instead, say positive things to others that you DO want them to hear (I was so proud of Luke when……..) In either case you will be helping to create a road map that will either serve them well or work against them for the rest of their lives.
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
My kids must earn my respect and it can be lost if they don’t perform, obey, or live up to my expectations.
This is another topic that I focus on in my book Parenting with an Attitude, Chapter 2 “Do I respect my kids?”
I strongly believe that generally speaking, kids who are respected during their formative years are the ones who grow up being willing and able to respect others. If this is true, then it gives credence to the saying, “respect is caught, not taught”. And yet, we’ve all heard the sound bite, “I’ll teach you to respect your elders”. It seems to me that logically, the former makes much more sense than does the latter.
There is an important distinction, however, between respect, which I am suggesting must be offered to our kids unconditionally, and privileges and rights which are indeed earned, conditionally offered, and can for a time be taken away in response to unacceptable behaviors or attitudes.
Respecting our kids also does not mean we are obligated to blindly and unconditionally approve of their behaviors, or to accept their decisions as always right. Respecting our kids does not require that we show constant appreciation for them when clearly there are reasons for our disapproval and disappointment. However, all of our challenges can and must be addressed within the context of our respecting them for who we know they are in spite of whatever current behaviors are taking place that deserve our admonishing them.
Respecting our kids also does not require an attitude of equality when it comes to decision-making. Simply because we have the final say where we feel it is necessary does not negate the respect we hold for them.
So what then are some of the ingredients of respecting our kids?
- Do we make jokes at their expense, thinking they should laugh at themselves rather than be hurt?
- Do we make fun of the friends they choose because they are not the friends we’d choose for them if it were up to us?
- Do we interrupt when they are attempting to explain or express themselves-something we would never tolerate from them?
- Do we treat our kids the way we want them to treat us? (now, don’t play the “no, but I’m the parent”, card).
- Do we ever ask our kids what they think about life issues, like current events?
- Do we ever ask their advice about some life circumstance we may be struggling with? (this doesn’t include making them our shrink).
- Do we ever tell them we are proud of how they handled a particular situation, and maybe even let them know we learned something from observing how they responded?
All of these and others send a very loud and clear message of respect to our kids when they see that we care what they think and how they feel, and that what matters to them, matters to us.
It’s not brain surgery, just good common sense.
Suggestion: recognize the differences between respect, vs. rights and privileges. Find creative ways to give consistent messages that communicate your respect of them.
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 15, 2020
Doing the opposite of what mistakes my parents made with me must be the right way for me to parent my kids.
Seldom in life is the extreme opposite of right, automatically wrong. Likewise, seldom is the opposite of good, necessarily bad either.
We’ve all said it growing up: “When I grow up and become a parent, I’m going to do things exactly the opposite of how my parents do things with me”. Fortunately, most of us came to our senses well before we had kids and realized that often, Mom and Dad were not so wrong after all. Or if we believe they were wrong about how they handled certain issues, we wisely realized that the very opposite was not necessarily a good option either; maybe something in the middle of both extreme possibilities might be an alternative to try out.
Examples of this could go on and on. Here are just a few:
As a child you were raised in a very structured and controlling household where there was little wiggle room for making decisions for yourself, or for being appropriately independent. Virtually all decisions that affected you were made by others.
As a parent, you have decided that your parents were wrong in their approach and you will do things the opposite way. Consequently, you provide few guidelines or expectations for your kids. They are left to make their own decisions with little guidance (control?) from you. They come and go pretty much as they please. Not because you don’t care, but because you are bound and determined to be the opposite kind of parent from what you had growing up.
As a child, you grew up in a family short on physical and emotional affection. You longed to be touched and held, but for reasons unknown, it seldom happened.
Years later, you have a family of your own and, by golly, things are going to be different-just the opposite in fact, of the way things were in your physically-deprived family of origin. So you hold and snuggle and touch your baby every moment you can. A good idea at first, but as your baby grows and matures you continue to insist on the same degree of closeness and touch you showered your new born with. Only now, it’s not showering, it’s smothering.
As a child you were raised under the thumb of highly and inappropriately punitive parents. Absolutely nothing got past them and you had “hell to pay” for the smallest infractions.
Now you have a family of your own, and you are determined to not make the same mistakes your parents made with you (a wise decision so far). But you conclude that the best way to assure that you don’t follow their oppressive ways is to take the opposite tack. As a result, you have few expectations for your kids’ behaviors, virtually no consequences for their misdeeds, and they grow up learning that there are few consequences for their behaviors; thus, they believe they are free to behave pretty much as they please.
Suggestion: remember that the opposite of what is wrong, is seldom what is right. Think of options that fit neither extreme, and that seem appropriate to your current situation.
