by Ed Wimberly | Nov 1, 2019
Discipline-based parenting is consistent, predictable and whenever possible, involves predetermined consequences. Punishment-based parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable, and minimizes the importance of predetermined consequences.
Discipline-based Parenting
While discipline-based parents recognize the importance of being consistent, it does not insure that the decisions they make will necessarily be met with approval from their kids. But as a result of their efforts to be consistent in their responses, they are more likely to develop in their kids a sense of safety and security. This is because kids have a need to know where they stand, what they can expect, and what is expected of them as well.
It is this consistency of discipline-based parents which gives kids a sense of predictability. Because their parents make the effort to be consistent, they are also more predictable and thus able to make informed decisions in response to what is expected of them. Discipline-based parents provide their children with a better idea of what consequences they face next time they misbehave, disobey, or challenge in a way that is inappropriate.
It is not always possible for us parents to state ahead of time what the consequences will be. But even when from time to time kids do not know specifically and definitely what consequences await them if they decide to head in the wrong direction, they still have a fairly good idea (as a result of seeing Mom and Dad’s consistency and predictability in past events) that whatever the consequences might be, they probably won’t be pleasant if they make the wrong choice again!
Discipline-based parents know that being consistent and predictable helps their kids to process and think through the possible consequences of their actions before they act. The benefit of knowing-at least having a good idea-ahead of time what the consequences of their actions will be, develops in them the all important ability to think in terms of, “cause-effect.”
This cause-effect thinking goes something like this: “If I do …………., then I can pretty well count on……….. to happen”. “Is it worth it?” “Is it right?” “Is it the best thing to do based on what I think will be the outcome of my actions?”
Discipline-based parents know that emotionally healthy kids do not usually experience a great deal of chronic anxiety in their lives. And they see the connection between being consistent (and as a result predictable) and their raising kids who are as free of anxiety as possible. No one has the luxury of knowing for sure what’s in store for them next in life. This is one of the reasons we all experience at least a small degree of anxiety from time to time (and are all at best, “normal neurotics”!). Consistency and predictability in raising kids help the discipline-based parent to minimize anxiety and fearfulness in their kids, even though they cannot eliminate them altogether.
Discipline-based parents know they won’t always be perfect in their efforts to communicate ahead of time what consequences their kids can count on, but they do their best. They consistently attempt to communicate their expectations and consequences in a loving, kind, firm and clear manner, even though in the midst of it all, they may be hurt, frustrated or angry (or maybe all three and even more!)
Discipline-based parents try not to lead with their emotions when there is a conflict, even when they are in the heat of battle. Far easier said than done, but it can be done (at least most of the time!).
Punishment-based Parenting
Punishment-based parents usually declare consequences as they express their anger (hurt, dissatisfaction, etc) at what their kids have done, while relying heavily on the use of fear tactics and threats to gain obedience and compliance. As a result, the consequences are usually inconsistent, unpredictable, and determined by their emotions at the time, rather than by what is appropriate and reasonably called for in response to what has happened.
They do not recognize the value and importance of being consistent and predictable in the discipline of their kids. Since punishment is the primary change agent, and immediate behavior and attitude change is the only desired outcome, they teach their kids to evaluate only one cause-effect, and that is, “when I misbehave, I get hurt. If I don’t want to hurt, I’d better not misbehave”. While there is nothing really wrong with recognizing how their behaviors will affect them selves, it fails to teach them to consider the affects their actions may have on others.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Suppose for a moment that your teen-age son comes in on time from a date. After checking in with you he says good night, goes into his room, and closes the door behind him. Rather than going to bed, he sneaks out the window for a late night out on the town. (Way down deep, you kind of suspected that this was going to happen sometime because that’s what you did once in a while when you were his age!) When your son arrives back home several hours later, there you are, waiting for him in his room.
The discipline-based parent who is concerned with consistency and predictability would handle the situation something like this:
“I assumed that when you came in and said good night that you were on your way to bed. I am hurt/mad/disappointed (or whatever you are) that you lied to me, and that you chose to be sneaky in order to stay out later than you were allowed.
I don’t know if this is a one-time event, or if it is a pattern that has gone on for a while. I do know though, that it is not going to continue. It’s late, we’re both tired, and so it probably isn’t a good idea for us to talk about this tonight. We might both lose control. Give some thought to what you think might be an appropriate consequence for what you have done, and I will do the same. Then, sometime tomorrow we will talk more about this. For now, go to bed and do not leave your room”.
The next day, you express to him in no uncertain terms the importance of being honest, and not resorting to sneaking around to get what he wants. You go on to say that the next time he wants to stay out later, he should ask. You might not allow it but you want to be open to his needs and you want to encourage him to be honest with you about what he wants. And who knows? You might just say yes once in a while.
Then you ask your son if he has given any thought about what he thinks the consequences for his actions should be. You then talk together about what the consequences will be for this infraction and why you chose what you did. You remind him of the rules and make it clear that you do not expect it to happen again. You also address specifically what the consequences will be if it does happen again. You then express your love to them-in spite of your disappointment-and then you move on with our life, and with your relationship. You don’t hold a grudge, nor do you bring up the incident again as a way of reminding them of our pain, sadness, anger, disappointment, or whatever.
Compare the above interaction based on discipline-based parenting with the following, punishment-based parenting response:
“Well, you’ve really blown it now. Any hope of my trusting you went right out the window when you did! I know that I haven’t said anything in the past when I have suspected you of taking off in the middle of the night, but this is the last straw! From this point on, consider yourself grounded until further notice. Come right home after school, do not talk on the phone, and I don’t want to hear a thing from you until you can say you’re sorry. If this ever happens again, I can’t even begin to tell you how you will regret it! Life as you have previously known it has just come to an end! Goodnight.
Challenges to our authority by our kids are not only inevitable at some time, in some way, and in some form, but they are even necessary in order for them to think in terms of “cause-affect”. And it is actually their challenge to our authority that provides us with the opportunity to help them learn to think ahead of time about what the consequences of their actions to them selves as well as to others, might be.
When inevitable challenges to our authority do come our way, consistency in our responses to them enables our kids to predict what is likely to happen next. It is this ability to determine ahead of time-their ability to predict-that helps them learn to think before they act/speak. We also teach them through our consistency and predictability to consider what affects their actions might have on others around them as well.
Challenging what they have previously accepted without much thought is normal and necessary, and their challenges are signs that they are actually attempting to think for them selves. Just as a toddler whose first steps are unsure and imperfect, our kids will not always get their attempts to think for them selves right the first time either (or the second, third or even fourth time for that matter!).
This is where our consistent responses to their “baby steps” toward independent thinking play such an important role in their development. It is not always easy to be challenged by them, but our efforts to respond in a consistent way will in the long run not only benefit them, but it will pay off for us as well.
Discussion Questions
- Did your parents’ responses to your misbehaviors tend to be consistent and predictable?
- How did their consistency and predictability-or lack of it- affect your ability to process cause-effect?
- Do you believe your kids get a consistent and predictable response from you when they misbehave?
- What seem to be the results thus far of either your consistency or inconsistency with them?
- If you are generally consistent, what are some examples of that consistency?
- If you are not consistent and predictable in your efforts to correct your kids, do you see any possible signs in them that suggest they do not feel secure and safe?
- Discuss several specific ways in which you as parents can develop more consistency and predictability in your parenting efforts.
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 11, 2020
Discipline-based parenting teaches and helps internalize values that can be applied by their kids in other life situations. Punishment-based parenting only teaches kids that, “I’d better not get caught next time!”
Discipline-based Parenting
Discipline-based parents are always on the look out for ways they can turn a problem that requires discipline into an opportunity for teaching values and principles.
When discipline is necessary, these parents identify the values and principles that have been compromised and then use their approach to discipline to teach their kids values. So their goals reach well beyond simply extracting some desired behavior change. What they really want to accomplish is to introduce values that are important to them to their kids. They spend the time that is required to go beyond merely achieving behavior change to teaching values.
These parents know that they have a small window of time to instill the values that are important to them, and refuse to waste time on just administering the swift “arm of the law” when their kids misbehave.
They want their kids to think about far more than just, “If I know what’s good for me, I’d better try harder next time not to get caught.” They know that when their kids do understand that there is more to the importance of behaving appropriately than just not getting caught, that they will have provided them with an internal moral compass that will guide their behavior toward others for the rest of their lives.
Punishment-based Parenting
Punishment-based parents teach the self-centered attitude of, “What can I get away with, and how bad will it hurt if I get caught?”
They are concerned primarily with an immediate behavior change in their kids. As a result it is unlikely that they will introduce and expose them to any values that will generalize to other situations. The primary concern of these parents is that the unacceptable behavior must stop now, and that it better not happen again. As a result, the only real motivating factor in the minds of their kids is, “I’d better not get caught next time, cuz if I do, it will hurt.” Their only focus is to make sure that next time they’d better try a little harder to avoid detection in order to prevent any consequences that might be painful and costly to them selves.
These parents express anger (or hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, etc.) over what their kids have done or not done, said or not said, and then they administer some form of punishment (vs. discipline, since little is taught other than the wisdom of not getting caught next time) to what ever it is that has happened. Unfortunately, what usually determines the consequences to be applied are the parent’s emotions, rather than what is reasonable and appropriate to the “crime”.
Their response to any challenges to their authority is superficial and teaches very little about the value of right and wrong. And missing too, are their efforts to teach the importance of the rights of others. Instead, what is taught by them and learned by their kids is an attitude of self-protection and self- preservation. The results are obviously self-centered, superficial, and create little if any concern for others.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Imagine for a moment that you have just discovered that your oldest son has been sneaking money out of your wallet to support a sweet tooth addiction (a childhood behavior out of my own past, I must confess). At this point, you must decide whether you are going to use a discipline-based parenting response, or if you will use a punishment-based parenting response.
If you decide to use the recommended discipline-based parenting approach, you will help teach him your values, and thereby decrease the chances of the problem happening again-either with you, or in his relationship with others. You will also have to accept that this approach is probably going to take you much more time to accomplish your goal of exposing your son to the values that are important to you.
On the other hand, if you decide to take the punishment-based parenting approach, all you will need to do is simply punish, maybe yell a little, and perhaps for good measure, close off with a threat or two. But if you choose this route, the only affect you will likely have is to teach the importance of not getting caught next time. It is likely, however, that your efforts to simply bring about immediate change in your son’s behavior will take you far less time.
In dealing with this unfortunate event, the discipline-based parent will take the time to express to their kids why what they did was wrong and unacceptable. They will also tell them that they have higher expectations for them as a person and will go on to communicate what those expectations are.
They will also certainly communicate clearly what the consequences will be for taking money that is not theirs. As important as it is to determine and administer those consequences, it is just a part of what makes up discipline-based parenting.
Consider the following example of a discipline-based-parenting approach:
“I know you have been taking money out of my wallet over the past few weeks. I want to hear from you about why you have felt it was necessary to do such a dishonest thing. Because I love you and am concerned about you, I am determined to do what it takes as your parent to help you change this pattern. What I expect from you is honesty and fairness toward others, and when you take what is not yours, you are being neither honest, nor fair.
In spite of the fact that I am hurt and even angry at you for doing such a selfish thing, I still love you. But I also want you to know that what you did will not be tolerated, and that there will definitely be consequences for your poor choice to steal from me.
I want you to take some time to think about what you did, and then I want to talk with you again. I have some ideas as to what I believe are appropriate consequences for what you have done, but I also want you to give some thought to what you think might be an appropriate consequence for this. I also want you to think about what might be an appropriate consequence if this were to ever happen again. Until you are ready to talk further with me about what has happened, consider yourself grounded. How much time do you need, and when would be a good time for us to talk again?”
Compare the above discipline-based parenting approach with the following punishment-based parenting:
“I caught you stealing from me and I’m going to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. Go to your room and consider yourself grounded. Do not talk on the phone, do not come out except to go to school, and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you until I tell you that you can talk. Life as you have previously known it is over. I can’t believe that you would do such a thing, after all I’ve sacrificed for you.”
There is a distinct difference between using discipline, and using punishment in our efforts to shape, design and to influence our kids. More importantly, there is a crucial difference in the results we will get when we use discipline-based-parenting efforts, rather than punishment-based parenting ones. While discipline teaches principles and values that will serve our kids well throughout the rest of their lives, punishment rarely teaches anything other than the importance of not getting caught next time.
Misbehavior, testing, and even some degree of rebellion are inevitable events during the development and growth of most kids. It’s natural, it’s normal, and we should expect it.
How we respond to their attempts to find out where they belong, what is expected, and what it will cost them when they step outside our boundaries, is crucial to their developing a true and healthy sense of values, morals, and principles.
If it is our goal to raise great kids who have honorable values, then we parents must be willing to exert the extra effort it takes to teach and instruct. Merely bringing about our desired changes in their immediate behaviors and attitudes is simply not enough.
Discussion Questions
- Based on what you have learned about the differences, do you think your parents were more likely to practice discipline-based or punishment-based parenting?
- Did their responses help you learn values that you eventually internalized as your own, or did you simply learn not to get caught the next time?
- Do your kids seem to be learning values from your discipline of them, or are they just learning not to get caught next time?
- If you are teaching them important values that they seem to be internalizing, what efforts of yours seem to be working well?
- If your kids seem to just be learning ways to not get caught next time, what changes need to be made in your efforts to use discipline rather than punishment?
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 11, 2020
Discipline-based parenting helps create intimacy, along with an ability and willingness in kids to trust others. Punishment-based parenting creates distance, anger, and kids who find it difficult to trust others.
You have no doubt by now noticed the recurring theme that runs throughout the discussion of the differences between discipline-based and punishment-based parenting. You may even have grown a bit weary of the repetitious reminder that consistency and predictability, along with clear and fair communication are so far the three most important characteristics found in discipline-based parenting that are absent in punishment-based parenting. Hopefully though, in spite of the repetitiveness, you will consider seriously just how important all three characteristics are to the task of raising emotionally healthy kids.
And by now you are probably getting a better idea as to which model your parenting efforts follow. If you are a parent who combines consistency, predictability, along with clear and fair communication about what it is you expect and what consequences they can expect, then chances are good that you are practicing discipline-based parenting. If none of the three are of value to you, nor goals you strive for in your parenting efforts then it is likely that you fall into the camp described here as a punishment-based parent.
But before you resign yourself to that category of parenting, I encourage you to consider the other benefits that come not only to discipline-based parents, but to their kids as well.
Discipline-based Parenting and Intimacy
In addition to the benefits already suggested, discipline-based parents help develop in their kids the ability to be intimate in their relationships with others. Their capacity and desire to be vulnerable (which leads to intimacy) in relationships begins in learning that their parents can be trusted. As they grow and mature, they begin to apply what they learn and experience in their trusting relationship with Mom and Dad, to their relationships with others as well.
These parents recognize that it is important to instill in their kids the ability and willingness to trust them. They know and take seriously the role they play in helping to create in their kids a willingness to trust them. And they know too, that this ability to trust early in life sets the stage for trust and intimacy in their future relationships with others as well. And as their kids grow and mature, these parents enjoy the added benefit of seeing the trust they have helped create in their kids begin to show up and develop in their friendships and relationships with others.
They teach their kids trust by applying the ingredients of discipline-based parenting: (here we go again!) their actions have become predictable to their kids because they have been consistent with them; they have also made it a habit to communicate their expectations and consequences clearly and fairly to them. As a result they know where they stand and they know what they can expect from Mom and Dad. This creates in them a strong sense of emotional security and safety which in turn allows them to trust their parents, and eventually others as their world around them expands. Of course not everyone they encounter during the course of their life will be worthy of being trusted, and their ability to wisely pick and choose is another issue.
While discipline-based parents understand the importance of establishing a trusting relationship with their kids, they accept that their success may at times seem to be a hit and miss proposition at best. It might even seem like an up hill battle at times.
They know that it is normal (but they don’t have to like it!) to at times be the target of a bit of anger and resentment from their kids. They remember too though, that eventually their efforts will pay off in the form of a warm and mutually respectful, intimate and trusting relationship with them. They are motivated and encouraged through the tough times by their belief that eventually (the phrase, “this too shall pass” comes to mind) they will enjoy the benefits of a trusting and intimate relationship with their kids.
Punishment-based Parenting and Intimacy
Punishment-based parents either do not see the value in developing a mutually trusting and intimate relationship with their kids, or they do not know how to achieve it. In either case, what develops in their kids is a fear of being close and a need to self-protect. The need to protect and the ability to trust do not usually go hand in hand, and the need to feel safe usually wins out over trusting others.
These parents usually experience a consistent and hefty dose of distance and insulation in their relationship with their kids. But contrary to what is often claimed, the distance created by their kids is not usually a result of failing to get what ever it was they wanted from Mom and Dad, or because they have been disciplined. Instead it is a result of having concluded in the midst of the conflict that it is unsafe to trust; being close is not an easy option for them. Instead they protect.
Usually their distance and insulation is accomplished by creating walls and barriers between themselves and their mom and dad-and between them selves and others as well. Rather than wanting to be close because they trust, they withdraw, they pull back and they insulate themselves from whatever it is in their relationship they fear.
What’s a Parent to Do?
It’s 7:45 on Monday morning. With your mind already full of things that need to be done that day at the office, you jump into your car, put it in reverse and head down the drive way. Before you reach the street, you hear a crunching sound. Immediately you know what it is you hit. You know because many times you have told your 9 year old son to put his bicycle away after riding it. And many times you have warned him, threatened him and explained to him what could happen if he left it on the drive way. Your anger and frustration is for a moment set aside by your relief in the fact that you just left your son at the breakfast table so you know he wasn’t on the bike when you hit it. Having enjoyed that moment of relief in knowing he is safe, your frustration and anger over his carelessness and disobedience kick in.
The discipline-based parent will respond to this situation something like this:
(Knowing the timing isn’t good for him to go back in to deal with the problem right now, he decides to wait until after work and school and to talk with his son then).
5:36 Monday evening: “Jason, you probably noticed your smashed bike lying next to the garage this morning. When I backed out this morning I ran over and completely destroyed it. After being relieved for a moment in knowing you weren’t on it when I hit it, I have to tell you that I was not only disappointed that you had once again left it in the way of the cars, but I was angry with you as well.
I have told you many times that I expect you to take responsibility for the care of your bike and to put it away after you use it. Mom and I have both promised that if you fail to take care of it that we would take it away from you for a while.
Well we don’t have to take it away since it is too damaged to be fixed. You will no longer have the privilege of riding your bike since it can’t even be fixed. Your next bike will be on you so start saving. In the mean time, because of your irresponsibility, I want you home right away every day after school for the rest of the month. I will have some extra chores for you and while you do them, I want you to think about what it means to appreciate and to be responsible for the things you are privileged to have. Then let’s talk about what you have learned and decided about how you will handle your possessions from now on. I might even have some suggestions for you as to how you could earn some extra money to buy a new bike.
I do still trust you and I can’t even tell you how relieved I was in knowing you weren’t on your bike when I hit it (this might be a good time for a hug!). I have confidence in you and your desire to be responsible, but you have got to follow through in your efforts.
And of course I still love you, and now that I’ve been able to get this off my chest, I don’t even think I’m angry any more. Nonetheless, I do want you to learn something from this”.
The punishment-based parent would handle the situation in a way similar to the following:
(Although he is now late for work, he storms back in anyway):
“How could you be so stupid Jason? What person in their right mind leaves their bike right behind a car? Don’t you know the damage a car makes to a bike when it runs over it? Get a clue Jason. Life doesn’t work very well when you are so irresponsible. Looks like we won’t have a bike to worry about for a while because I’m sure not going to shell out more money just so you can take advantage of my generosity”.
All of this is followed by three days or so of silence from dad, along with a mood that is designed to teach a lesson by withholding himself from his son.
In the mean time, Jason is (once again) so hurt by Dad’s ridicule that he withdraws just a little more. Even though he knows he was wrong in leaving his bike in harm’s way, he doesn’t believe he deserves the pain inflicted by his dad’s comments. So he protects himself by placing yet another stone in the wall that he began to build in response to past personal attacks from Dad; he has learned again that it is not safe to trust his dad’s responses.
Once again, it takes far more ink and space to describe the response of the discipline-based parent than it does the punishment-based parent. The fact that it does add further to the evidence that doing parenting the right way really does take up more of our time. In the long run however, time and certainly energy and emotional distress are saved by investing the time and energy early on.
A valuable benefit we can count on coming our way as a result of following the discipline-based parenting model is a relationship between ourselves and our kids that enjoys a significant amount of mutual trust. And when the desire and ability to trust is established while they are still under our roof and authority, we can usually count on that closeness and intimacy which comes as a result of trusting, to continue throughout our lives with them.
And a secondary but equally important benefit will be our watching them apply the trust we helped establish in our relationship with them, to other future relationships as their world expands beyond us.
Creating this willingness for closeness and intimacy in our kids through a discipline-based parenting model is not always an easy task. And we will probably not usually see any immediate results but it is an important goal for any parent to work toward if their desire is to raise great and emotionally healthy kids.
Discussion Questions
- When you were growing up, did your parents’ reaction to your misbehaviors usually-at least eventually-lead to closeness or did it more likely lead to distance between you and them?
- Do you see ways in which their responses to you when you disobeyed them either helped or hindered your ability to trust others today as an adult?
- Do you see ways in which your ability/inability to have close relationships today is affected by how they reacted to you when they disapproved of how you were behaving?
- As a parent to your kids today, do you see ways that your discipline/punishment style of responding is affecting them in terms of intimacy, trust and anger?
- What are some specific ways you can adjust your responses so your style is more discipline-based rather than punishment based?
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 11, 2020
Discipline-based parenting takes place when parents are still in control of their emotions; punishment-based parenting takes place out of anger, frustration, and with very little self-control.
Adding to our growing list of words that describe the most important differences between discipline-based and punishment-based parenting is self-control. Aside from CEO’s of large corporations, and maybe presidents of countries, no one is busier than the parents of young kids these days. For most of us, the demands and responsibilities that come our way are relentless and unending. Just as one task is completed and one obligation is fulfilled, there are several more demanding our time, our efforts, and our attention.
Because we parents are so busy and often overwhelmed by the responsibilities of our role, it is all too natural to ignore misbehavior or disobedience that really should be addressed quickly, until finally it is too late to react in a rational and reasonable fashion. At this point, we are too far gone to consider and to include any of the four key ingredients that are thus far found in our model for discipline-based parenting. When we’ve gone beyond a certain point-and each of us has our own point of no return-consistency, predictability, fair and clear communication and self-control are no where to be found.
Hoping against hope, we tell ourselves that maybe if we ignore their unacceptable behavior just a little longer, then it may go away on its own. Eventually we are so worn down by whatever it is that is taking place that we respond out of anger and frustration, and are well out of control of both the situation and ourselves.
In order to avoid the affects of being worn down, it is usually important that when our kids need our correction, to act quickly rather than hoping that it will fade on its own. It is often this quick action on our part that enables us to apply the fine art of discipline-based parenting, rather than to fall into the pattern of punishment-based parenting that occurs only after we have “lost it”.
Discipline-based Parenting
Discipline-based parents are timely in their response to unacceptable behaviors and as a result are more likely to act in ways that bring an end to what ever the unacceptable event or behavior that is taking place might be. And as a result of their early response, they are able to model the appropriate way to address a conflict so their kids are able to see that being out of control with their emotions when there is a conflict is not only unneeded, but destructive as well.
While this may at first seem to be inconsistent with the idea of quick action in response to unacceptable events, it should at the same time be emphasized that discipline-based parents also understand that it is just as important to know what unacceptable behaviors and circumstances actually are better resolved by waiting, rather than by reacting immediately. They know that there may be minor misbehaviors that can and should be ignored, and that it is not uncommon for them to go away on their own. They understand that it can be a tough call to make but that as they effectively learn to ignore what can and should be ignored, that so many issues do become “non events” without their having to take a decisive and overt stand. These parents learn that sometimes, all it takes is “one of those looks” that sends the message that a change is needed.
Punishment-based Parenting
Punishment-based parents do not usually respond to unacceptable behaviors until they are close to or beyond their breaking point. Only then do they address the issues that are troublesome, and by then they no longer have the control that is necessary for bringing about a quick and relatively peaceful resolution. And since their reactions are usually heavily influenced by their emotions-usually anger and frustration-other problems and difficulties can grow out of their finally attempting to resolve the conflict. Gradually, with their increased irritation, along with the heightened intensity of the situation, they become increasingly more angry and frustrated until finally, until finally they respond in an exaggerated way that is usually out of proportion to the “evil deed” that has been committed.
Finally, after blowing sky high, the punishment-based parent gets the compliance they wanted but their kids are left thinking, “Where did that come from?”, and their parents once again conclude that, “once again it took my anger, my yelling, my losing it, to bring an end to the unacceptable behavior”.
Punishment-based parents also miss the opportunity to be a model to their kids of how to deal affectively with conflict while still under healthy control of themselves and their emotions.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Consider the following scene familiar to parents all over the world:
You have clearly and calmly asked your kids to pick up their toys and to get ready for bed. It’s obvious that they heard you but they continue to play. Again you ask with a calm and clear voice, stating also that you don’t want to have to ask again.
The discipline-based parent has established a contract between them and their kids that goes something like this:
“You can count on the fact (remember the importance of consistency and predictability?) that I will always mean what I say when I say it calmly and in control the first time”.
Since this agreement is clear, in good working order, and is based on the key elements of discipline-based parenting, this parent will handle the challenge to their authority in a way that is similar to this:
Since they have asked twice with still no response, it is time to take calm and controlled action. They stop what they are doing, go over to where they are playing, kneel down to their level and they say something like the following:
“I just asked you two times to clean up your toys and to get ready for bed. You aren’t doing what I have asked you to do, and that is unacceptable. You have a choice to make. Either move right now to clean up your toys, and then get ready for bed, or….. (appropriate consequences are clearly stated). Since you have a choice to make, what’s it going to be?”
The punishment-based parent has an altogether different unspoken agreement with their kids that goes something like this:
“I do not really mean what I say until I get angry, and you don’t really have to obey until you see by my anger that I mean it. I may ask twice, three times, or sometimes even eight or nine times. But you can wait to obey until you see that I am finally at the end of my rope”. When that happens, I will then really mean what I say, all hell will break loose, and I will then expect you to obey. When that happens, there will be nothing for you and me to talk about”.
It is this type of contract that provides the foundation for the punishment-based parent when corrective responses are necessary. And they are absolutely convinced that it is their anger and frustration that finally motivated their kids to do what they wanted them to do.
You may be asking, “If my anger won’t motivate my kids, then what will?” It is not our anger and frustration that motivates our kids to obey us. While it does appear that these emotions are the “change agent”, it actually is the realization (finally!) that “……mom now means it. She never really means it until she gets angry and frustrated. I know that from past experiences!”
While this is not really true-we really do mean it the first time-it is easy to see how our kids may equate our finally really meaning business with an increase in the intensity of our emotions. Their reasoning goes something like this: “If Dad really meant it the first time, he would not ask a second time without (calmly and in control) giving me a consequence I can count on if I don’t get up immediately and get ready for bed. And I would really believe he meant what he said if he followed through (again, calmly and in control) with the consequence if I don’t comply!”
As usual, all of the efforts that are involved in discipline-based parenting are easier said than done. And time consuming? You bet. But in the long run, not only will this time consuming approach actually save time because our kids learn that it is to their benefit to respond when first asked, but we will also avoid the anger, yelling, and elevated blood pressure that so often accompanies the punishment-based parenting approach which relies heavily on the build-up and expression of emotions to bring about obedience.
When we are in control of our emotions, we are more likely to be in control of our reactions and responses in the midst of communicating our expectations to our kids. Because of the healthy control over the situation that we have, they are then more likely to respond in a timely fashion to what ever it is that we expect of them. We simply do not have to be out of control in order to convey to them that we mean business. In fact, the very opposite is true; our being in control of our emotions in the midst of discipline communicates to them that what is being asked must be taken seriously. In addition to getting them to obey when first asked, they will also be more likely to learn the all-important lesson of cause-effect that is so essential to our task of raising great kids.
Discussion Questions
- Did your parents usually respond to your misbehaviors with self-control, or did they respond in a way that was clearly out of control?
- Whether they acted in control or out of control, what do you think the affect was on you?
- Does how your parents reacted to you have an affect on how you respond to your kids as a parent?
- Whether you usually respond while still in control, or after you have lost control, what affect do you see it having on your kids when they disobey?
- What specific changes can you possibly make that will enable you to more affectively respond in a healthy fashion when your kids have misbehaved?
by Ed Wimberly | Jan 11, 2020
Discipline-based parenting views unacceptable behaviors and challenges to authority as normal and even inevitable. Punishment-based parenting rejects the idea that challenges are normal and inevitable.
Discipline-based Parenting
When their kids misbehave or in any other way challenge them, discipline-based parents look beyond just getting immediate behavior changes. They recognize that any challenges that come their way will provide yet another opportunity for them to help shape and influence the internal moral and value compass of their kids. (For more on challenges to our authority, refer to question #21 in PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE).
These parents acknowledge that behavior and attitude changes in their kids are often necessary and called for, but they understand also that there is more to their role as an authority figure than simply bringing about those changes. In addition to expecting changes that are appropriate, they also seize the opportunity to teach values and morals in a way that will have benefits in the lives of their kids for years to come.
Punishment-based Parenting
Punishment-based parents on the other hand have just one primary goal and objective in mind when they correct their kids. Their efforts are limited to bringing an end to any and all of the unacceptable behaviors that may be taking place in their kids at the time. There is simply no room for any goal in the midst of correcting other than the goal of bringing about an immediate change of behavior or attitude in their kids.
These parents want to insure that any and all unacceptable behaviors will come to a screeching halt and that they will not happen again anytime soon. And they attempt to bring about their desired behavior changes by administering some kind of pain (almost any consequence will do as long as it is painful enough) to whatever the undesirable behavior may be. The idea in such thinking is that if their kids associate and experience enough pain along with their unacceptable actions, that those actions will stop and that they will not happen again anytime soon.
Behavioral psychology refers to this form of learning as “operant conditioning” and is a very popular and successful approach used in training animals. We have all seen dogs trained to not bark by temporarily using a “bark collar” that generates a shock when ever the dog barks. Bringing about the desired change does not usually take very long because any dog with just a little sense quickly realizes that, “when I bark, I get hurt. I don’t like pain, so I won’t bark anymore”.
I for one am grateful to the behavioral psychologist and the creative inventors who came up with such a device to teach dogs not to bark. But I am fairly certain that even though my neighbor’s dog no longer barks continuously, it has learned absolutely nothing about the rights that his neighbors have to live in a quiet neighborhood free of constant barking. Instead, his learning has been limited to, “when I bark, I hurt, so I will avoid pain by cooperating with my owner”.
This operant conditioning approach is a common practice among punishment-based parents because it really does usually work in getting behavior changes in their kids. But is anything else learned? And what harm may come along when correction is limited to an operant conditioning approach that just teaches our kids how to behave if they want to avoid pain?
Punishment-based parents teach their kids how to superficially act and behave in order to protect themselves from the immediate and unwanted pain of a consequence. But since the motivation for compliance is superficial, the results are usually limited to teaching very little else other than something like,”…..when I misbehave, I don’t like how Mommy and Daddy respond to me”, or,”…..when I don’t obey, I get hurt. I’d better obey next time to keep from getting hurt”. Their learning process and response is similar to how a dog learns from the pain inflicted by his shock collar.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Many of the experiences and interactions we have with our kids will provide us with the opportunity to teach them the values and morals they will need in life. A vast majority of those opportunities will involve our discipline of them when they have misbehaved or in some way challenged our authority.
When these inevitable events occur, discipline-based parents invest a great deal of their energy accomplishing four important tasks. The first three have been presented and discussed earlier in the first and second articles in this 7 part series, but since they provide the foundation for accomplishing the fourth, they deserve another mention here.
First, discipline-based parents state clearly to their kids what attitudes or behaviors of theirs are unacceptable. Secondly, they communicate clearly to them why they are unacceptable, and third, they do their best to leave no room for any misunderstanding as to what the consequences are (or will be).
The fourth task that discipline-based parents strive to accomplish is the primary focus of this current article. They consistently look for ways of using the disobedience or challenge that has occurred as an opportunity to teach their kids the values and morals that are important to them.
Consider the following event that takes place in some form or another in most homes from time to time:
After the next door neighbors complained about pellet gun pellets hitting their house, Grant was told by his mom and dad that he could no longer use his pellet gun in the back yard. They made it clear that he was not being punished since he had done nothing wrong, but that it was important that they be responsible and respectful neighbors. He was told also that their decision was based strictly on the reasonable request for safety that was made of them by their neighbors.
A month later the next door neighbor comes over to report that once again, a pellet had been shot in their direction and this time it took out a window over their kitchen sink.
The discipline-based parent would handle the situation something like this:
“Grant, The Swansons were just here and they told us that once again, a pellet hit their house. This time however, it broke their kitchen window. There is only one back yard that the pellet could have been fired from. I have to assume-unless you have evidence to the contrary-that you were shooting your gun in the back yard after we had told you this was not the proper place for target practice. Did you shoot your gun in the back yard after we told you a month ago that you could no longer do so?” (A quiet and quaking, yes, is uttered and the parents continue).
“I can think of two reasons why you should not have used your gun in the back yard. And either one should have by itself been enough to persuade you to obey: first, I told you not to, and secondly, your own common sense should have told you that it was not safe to do. When you disobeyed, you not only went against my instruction, but you also put our neighbor in danger.
There will be several consequences you will have to face. First, you will be responsible for the cost of the window. In addition, you will go over and personally apologize and acknowledge that you were not respectful of their need and right for safety. You will also assure them that it will never happen again. Finally, you are no longer free to shoot your gun anywhere until all of the above has been accomplished and you and I have had a chance to talk about what you can learn from this”.
Compare the above discipline-based parenting approach with the following punishment-based parenting response:
“I just had a very embarrassing encounter with the neighbors who told me that once again you have been shooting your pellet gun in the direction of their house. And this time you broke their kitchen window! Not only will you pay for the damn window, it’ll be a cold night in you know where before you ever see that gun again. Go to your room and I don’t even want to see your face again until I tell you to come out”.
Clearly this punishment-based parent made no effort to teach any important values but instead was motivated only by a determination that the unacceptable behavior would not happen again.
Once again, the amount of space and ink it takes to describe the response of a discipline-based parent, as compared to the punishment-based parent, supports the notion that it really does take more time and effort to teach values and morals to our kids.
While it is our obligation and responsibility to help encourage external attitude and behavior changes in our kids, the punishment-based parent focuses exclusively on the behavior changes and ignores the importance of also teaching morals and values.
Changes and adjustments in behavior and attitude are certainly both worthwhile and necessary goals for us to embrace and to strive for, but the discipline-based parent recognizes that much more must also be accomplished.
None is more important for the health and well being of our kids than the goal of influencing the development of their values and morals. If we achieve this, our kids will be influenced by us in ways that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.
Our kids come into our lives as “unfinished products” (come to think of it, they will go out of this world an unfinished product as well!). One of the many incomplete “parts to be assembled” are moral principles and values, and it is our task and responsibility as parents-in large part through dealing with their challenges of us-to help shape, mold and design them in such a way that helps develop in them the values and morals they did not come equipped with from birth.
Since our kids come into this world without a moral or value compass-not knowing the difference between right and wrong-does it not stand to reason that they will test, push and challenge in order to learn what ones work best in life? Discipline-based parents recognize both the inevitability, as well as the necessity of this discovery process. Because of this understanding, there is less likelihood of overreacting and taking personally, the challenges that will come their way.
Since punishment-based parents do not view misbehavior and challenges as normal and inevitable, they also fail to understand their usefulness or what they can accomplish through them. They are also more likely to take those challenges personally and to respond defensively and inappropriately. Responses such as, “look how you’ve made me look”, and, “I can’t believe you’d do this to me”, are common.
Discipline-based parents, on the other hand, understand that when their kids challenge their authority, they are trying to discover where it is they belong and what’s expected of them. As a result, these parents are far less likely to react defensively or to retaliate with pointless, inappropriate, and unfair punishment.
Discussion Questions
- When you were a kid growing up, did your parents view your challenging, misbehaving and questioning authority as a normal part of growing up?
- Were your challenges and misbehavior seen by them as something that must be stifled, or was it used to shape you in a positive way?
- As a parent today, do you recognize the inevitability-even the necessity- of your kids questioning and challenging you?
- Do you find yourself responding in a way that will help teach values and shape character in your kids, or do you respond in a way that is solely designed to get behavior change?
- What possible changes to your responses to unacceptable behaviors and attitudes need to be made in order to successfully shape the values and character of your kids?
