by Ed Wimberly | Apr 3, 2019
Authority-Based Parenting comes from a position of strength and confidence and establishes leadership with democracy while Power-Based Parenting lacks confidence, operates from a position of weakness while establishing autocratic rule over their kids.
If we were to look back over time at the world’s most influential people, we would likely find a wide variety of characteristic differences that make up the personalities of those leaders. In particular, a comparison between those who have shaped us most through the use of democratic leadership, and those who have used autocratic rule, would no doubt lead to some especially interesting distinctions, not only in style, but in the outcome and effects of their efforts.
It is likely that most historians who make it their business to study such things would agree that those leaders who ruled with a stern and overpowering autocratic style of leadership, did so at least in part, because they were afraid, lacked self-confidence, and could see no other way of accomplishing their goals, but to dictate. “If people are given the choice to follow me”, so the reasoning might be, “why would they choose on their own accord to trust, respect, and follow me?”
Those who have been the victim of such autocratic rule, must have followed not because they respected and loved their leader, but because they were afraid, and could see no alternative but to do so. It is likely that if compliance were indeed, accomplished, it was most likely not because they freely chose to follow, but because they saw no safe alternative. And in most cases, I suspect that those who have been ruled with an autocratic iron fist would have escaped if ever given the chance.
It could likewise be assumed that those of us who have been fortunate enough to live in a democratic society (in spite of all of the shortcomings that come along with such a system), are willing to follow our leaders because we trust them, respect them, and believe that, for the most part, they have our best interests in mind. We may not always like or agree with their decisions, but we continue to listen to them and to follow their lead because, in spite of any shortcomings they might have, we have some degree of trust in them or, at least, the democratic system we are a part of.
Authority-based Parenting
It is not far fetched to apply the above ideas to the process of parenting. When parents have confidence in themselves, their decisions, and in their relationship with their kids, feel a greater freedom to apply with confidence the authority that is theirs. And because of their confidence, “pulling rank” with ineffective power plays is unnecessary. This does not mean that everyone necessarily has an equal vote, but rather, that the thoughts, ideas and desires of their kids are appropriately taken into consideration. Even though at times there is a place for, “because I said so”, or, “because I’m your parent”, giving reasons for the position taken takes priority over arbitrary and unilateral decision-making.
Here are just a few examples of authority-based parenting that might help:
“It’s that time of year again when we need to decide where we are going to go on vacation. We have some limitations because of money, and your mom and I have some preferences. But we want to know from you what you would like to do. What would be the most fun and relaxing for you? Do you have any ideas?”
“I am going to need quite a lot of help from you in the yard this week-end but I want you to have some time for yourself too. We need to put our heads together to decide when I can count on you to be around. What are your plans for the week-end?”
“It’s obvious from the way things have been going around here lately that our family has some things we need to work out. You don’t seem to be happy with how things are going either, so I want to meet to discuss some problems that I think have gotten our family off track. I want you to feel free to address any issues you think need looking at. When would be a good time for you to meet?”
“Some time in the next hour, I want you to take out the garbage and sweep the patio. Do you want to do that now so it’s out of the way, or do you want to wait until after your T.V. program is over? You decide, but both chores must be completed before noon”
Obvious signs of authority are present in each of the above examples. It is quite clear who is in charge and who has the authority. But also present is some room for choice and decision making on the part of the one who is expected to comply. Authority-based parents have the confidence in themselves, as well as in their relationship, to rely on their authority to lead. Power plays that do not take into account the needs, feelings, and opinions of their kids are not usually necessary. Granted, sometimes they are, but only when all else seems to fail.
The probable outcome of such effort-and it does take effort-are kids who grow up believing that they matter (for more on the importance of this, refer to question #16 in PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE). And when they really feel that they do, then their self-esteem is nurtured and it will be reflected in their behavior and attitudes. In short, authority-based parents improve the odds of raising truly great kids-kids who like and value themselves, and who feel the same way toward others.
Power-based Parenting
Power-based parenting looks remarkably different, both in execution, as well as in outcome.
Consider the following examples:
“Your dad and I have decided we are going on vacation sometime this summer, but aren’t sure when. So don’t get involved in anything you can’t break away from. And this year, please don’t bug us about going to Disneyland. We took you there five years ago, and that was plenty for us”.
“I expect a lot of help from you this week-end, so don’t make any plans to be away from the house”.
“I haven’t appreciated how things have been going around here lately. We will have a family meeting first thing Saturday morning. I have no idea how long the meeting will last so don’t make any plans”.
“I want you to take out the garbage now. I don’t care if you are in the middle of a program. I want the garbage out of here, so do it now”.
Just as in the examples given earlier of authority-based parenting, it is also easy here to tell who is in charge. Clearly the parent in both situations is. But in the examples above, power is the obvious choice of parenting tools. In both authority-based parenting and power-based parenting, the parent is in charge and the desired task is likely to get accomplished. But the long term affect and impact on the kids involved will be dramatically different.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Kids who grow up under the direction of authority-based parents are much more likely to develop a healthy respect for authority. They may question it, they may feel they deserve an opinion, but they will work and live within that authority, and will appreciate the importance and need for it in their lives.
Power-based parenting tends to turn out a different “product”. Kids who have been consistently raised under the direction of power that is the result of parental insecurity and weakness, are more likely to either comply blindly to any authority that may come their way, or, they may over react in the opposite direction, refusing to let any one or any thing have authority over them. Clearly, either possible outcome does not enhance the prospects of raising truly great kids.
Discussion Questions
- As a kid growing up, did you live with authority-based parents or were your parents more power-based in their parenting style?
- In either case, what was your parents’ style like for you?
- Does their style when you were growing up continue to have an affect on you today?
- In your family today, would you describe your parenting style as authority-based or power-based?
- How is your style of parenting working? What affect does it seem to be having on your kids?
- Are there ways in which you need to make changes in this area of your parenting efforts that might make a positive difference in your family?
by Ed Wimberly | Apr 2, 2019
Authority-Based Parenting earns respect by giving it while Power-Based Parenting demands respect but does not give it.
Few parenting principles are more controversial than this notion of parents actually giving their kids respect. In this day and age where there is certainly a shortage of the younger generation showing respect to others, it would at first glance seem to be a misguided notion that we parents need to attend more to the task of respecting our kids. (For more on the importance of respecting our kids, refer to question #2 in PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE). It is in fact, this very task of respecting our kids that will provide greater assurance that they will in turn, respect us, and as a result be more open to our influence.
Authority-based Parenting
At the cornerstone of authority-based parenting is the belief that respect is an attitude that must be constant-a family attitude that need not be earned by anyone, and likewise cannot be lost by anyone either. Just as authority-based parents expect to be respected at all times by their kids, so too it is their conviction that their kids deserve the same from them. Authority-based parents see a clear distinction between rights and privileges-which must be earned and can be lost-and respect on the other hand, which should be a constant, regardless of circumstances or behavior.
None of us is born with the predisposition to respect others. It could even be argued that our tendency as human beings is in just the opposite direction-that what comes most naturally for us is to disregard the importance of the other until we must all learn otherwise. It is due to this that authority-based parents see the importance of teaching their kids the fine art of respecting others. And their primary vehicle for accomplishing this all-important task is modeling how to respect others by how they respect their kids. They do not attempt to teach respect by demanding it of their kids. They do expect it, but they do not force or demand it.
At the core of any relationship is the ingredient of mutual respect. It is hard to imagine any relationship that is healthy and growing that doesn’t have as one of its key components, mutual respect. Parents who have consistently shown unconditional respect to their kids-even in the face of discipline, challenges to their authority and confrontations-have laid the groundwork for a relationship that is gradually transformed from parent-child, into one that is a true and priceless friendship.
Power-based Parenting
The model of power-based parenting is constructed in part on the conviction that respect is something kids must earn, and that it is not their God-given right to be respected just because they are. To the power-based parent, this seems like a reasonable and correct notion because they have heard it and said it so many times. It may also be a reasonable idea to them if they have confused respect, with rights and privileges. While respect is not earned and must not be lost or taken away, both rights and privileges are indeed earned, and can be lost.
These misconceptions, then, may lead power-based parents to treat their kids in a way that would surely cost them friends if they were to behave in like manner in other relationships. It does not take a great deal of imagination to see the impact on any of our other relationships if we were to demand respect, and at the same time, expect them to earn the right to be respected by us. As ridiculous as this might sound, this describes the relationship that exists between many power-based parents and their kids today.
The outcome of power-based parenting that does not see the importance of respecting kids is usually unfortunate. Kids, who grow up having learned to show respect to others out of fear and demand, usually grow up to be adults who do not really respect others. While at first glance they may appear to respect others, it is often really fear and intimidation of others they are feeling instead.
Yet another possible result of having not been given respect as a kid is an adult who is angry and resentful of authority. And along with the anger and resentment often comes a refusal to comply with authority. Since the authority figures in their lives have always demanded compliance, with no respect given in the process, then it is easy to see how this refusal to respect and comply with authority figures in their adult lives develops.
Still another likely outcome of the power-based parent who does not see the importance of respecting their kids is a failure to eventually make the transition from parent to friend with their kids. This is possibly the most unfortunate result of all. When you stop to think about the link between friendship and respect, it is not difficult to see why kids who grew up having received little or no respect from their parents, do not later value the prospect of being a friend to their parents in their adult life.
What’s a Parent to Do?
In talking with adults who now have a vibrant friendship with their elderly parents, I have heard repeatedly (in addition to other positive factors) that as a child, they consistently felt their parents had an attitude of respect for who they were as a person. I have found that this message of respect has come in a variety of forms, but nonetheless, it has been there. Even in the midst of discipline and other hard times, there was a sense of feeling respected by their parents.
This is evidence and motivation enough to emphasize the importance of giving our kids the kind of respect that we in turn want them to show to others and us. In spite of our role and responsibility as an authority figure with rules, expectations and standards that we expect them to adhere to, it is essential that we show an attitude of respect toward them for the person God made them, even though we may be disappointed, angry or hurt. If we are able to accomplish this task in our parenting efforts, then we will increase the likelihood that as we both grow older, we will have the kind of friendship with our grown kids that we would like to have.
Discussion Questions
- Did your parents teach you the importance of respecting others by respecting you, or was it demanded and expected from you even though you seldom received it yourself?
- How did their attitude regarding respect in the family affect you at the time?
- When it comes to showing respect to your kids, do you believe that you practice authority-based parenting or power-based parenting?
- What seems to be the affects on your kids, and in particular, your relationship with them?
- If you do not agree with the notion that respect must be given and shown to your kids without strings attached (as opposed to rights and privileges), what is your position?
- Do your kids seem to be developing a right and proper respect for others?
by Ed Wimberly | Apr 1, 2019
Authority-Based Parenting encourages the spirit of kids and discourages willful defiance while Power-Based Parenting stifles the spirit and by doing so, actually create willful defiance.
It is not uncommon for us parents to confuse the will of our kids, with their spirit, and to use both terms interchangeably, as though they were synonymous. Actually, the spirit of our kids and their will are quite different from each other and are not necessarily related.
Their Spirit
The spirit of our kids’ refers to the attitudes they develop regarding themselves, as well as those they develop about life in general. A healthy spirit reflects an attitude of self acceptance and a well balanced and realistic assessment of their worth and value. A healthy spirit is also reflective of the enthusiasm, energy and excitement they hold for living life;
Their Will
The will of our kids’ refers to what I believe is their (ours too!) natural tendency to be defiant, self serving, and demanding. While it is certainly a debatable issue, I hold the opinion that a strong will-a bent toward a selfish and demanding attitude-is for the most part, an innate tendency that must be shaped to take into consideration the needs and desires of others.
Our kids may develop a healthy and vibrant spirit toward themselves and the life they are living-full of confidence, energy and enthusiasm. Or, their spirit may reflect other characteristics such as having less energy, excitement and enthusiasm for life and living, as well as a lower opinion of themselves and what they have to offer. Toward which direction they develop while under our care depends on a number of variables, the most important being the influence we parents and others exert on them. While predisposition and genetic make-up may play a part in determining their level of enthusiasm for life I believe it is a minor influence compared with the impact our shaping has on their spirit.
Authority-based Parenting
One characteristic that differentiates authority-based parenting from power-based parenting is the consistency with which they are willing to consider adjusting these all important guidelines they have established for their kids. While most parents adjust to some degree along the way, there are some important differences that set authority-based parents apart from power-based parents.
It is important not to confuse flexibility with inconsistency that seems to change with the wind and for no apparent reason. Since consistency is one of the ingredients that foster safety, predictability and an understanding of cause-effect, it is an important characteristic found in successful parenting. The key is to be willing and able to be flexible and at the same time, consistent.
So in terms used here, flexibility that is an earmark of authority-based parenting refers to fairness and the willingness to reevaluate decisions and circumstances based on new information that comes to light.
The goal of the authority-based parent is to help shape the spirit of their kid’s in such a way that they develop a reasonable level of energy, enthusiasm and excitement for life. In addition, these parents put effort into shaping their spirit in such a way that they have a sane and well-balanced view of their importance and self-worth.
This does not mean that they train and encourage their kids to bounce off the walls, or to be constantly full of boundless energy. Nor does it mean that they expect them to be constantly happy and full of life and energy regardless of their circumstances.
Authority-based parents also know that raising healthy and well balanced kids means shaping them in such a way as to avoid a haughty, puffed up attitude that can lead to an exaggerated view of their own importance. Realistic and balanced are the key words in describing our task as parents who want to raise kids who have a healthy spirit and a will that is under control.
Authority-based parents shape the spirit of their kids by challenging them to enthusiastically reach for their potential and then encouraging them in the process. They also recognize the importance of supporting them regardless of the outcome their efforts bring.
Through their challenging and shaping, authority-based parents teach their kids to appropriately push themselves in order to accomplish and achieve. And it is through encouraging them, regardless of the outcome of their efforts that they learn to feel safe in the process. And because they feel unconditionally supported, they learn to accept their best as good enough.
All of this then helps establish an attitude and outlook that translates into a healthy spirit. They learn to like and respect themselves because Mom and Dad have liked and respected them in their efforts. And just as importantly, they will learn to be excited and enthusiastic about life because we have taught and encouraged them to get involved, to show an effort, and to be enthusiastic.
Authority-based parents also recognize the importance of shaping the will of their kids as well. Many books and countless articles have been written on the subject of the human will. Scholars in this area take various and contrasting positions on the notion of whether we come equipped from birth with a rebellious will, or whether it is developed after birth and through the many experiences in life. Personally, I believe that we are born with the tendency toward a defiant will, but that nurture-what parents and other significant others do-plays a very significant part in shaping that will to be either healthy and constructive, or destructive.
Power-based Parenting
So how do the efforts of the power-based parent differ from those of the authority-based parent when it comes to the will and the spirit of their kids? Power-based parents tend not to make the distinction between the spirit and the will of their kids. As a result, qualities in their kids that should be nurtured and encouraged are actually viewed as something that should be discouraged and stifled altogether. Too often, their reaction then is to punish rather than discipline (for more on the important distinctions between the two, refer back to “Seven Key Differences Between Discipline-Based Parenting and Punishment-Based Parenting”).
What’s a Parent to Do?
Parents who want to raise great and healthy kids are able to make a clear distinction between their spirit and their will. They then make it a priority to nurture and strengthen their spirit, while at the same time putting effort into shaping their will in such a way that, finally, their kids are able to exercise a proper and appropriate control over their own will.
Some tools that authority-based parents use to influence the will of their kids are:
1) Reasonable and appropriate expectations for their behavior;
2) clear and reasonable consequences that are a result of willful defiance;
3) an unconditional acceptance of them, regardless of their behavior.
Provide expectations for your kids that will help them distinguish between right and wrong, what is acceptable, and what is not.
Establish clear and reasonable consequences in order to develop in your kids a feeling of security. This sense of security will develop as a result of knowing what to expect as an outcome to their behaviors.
Unconditionally accept them and make the distinction between their worth, value, and acceptability, and their behaviors and attitudes. Make it clear that you do not like or appreciate their behaviors or attitudes, but that you still love them nonetheless. As a result of reasonable expectations, fair and appropriate consequences, along with unconditional acceptance, you will be well equipped to shape their will and by so doing, minimize defiance and self centered behaviors.
Discussion Questions
- Looking back on your childhood, did your parents do a good job of positively shaping your spirit while at the same time, affectively confronting your willfulness?
- How did their efforts in this area of spirit and willfulness affect you at the time?
- Are there current affects that remain in your life today that either serve you well or cause problems in your life?
- Using the definitions suggested here to distinguish between a child’s spirit and his or her will, how would you say you are doing as a parent to encourage your kids’ spirit and to discourage their willfulness?
- What affects in your kids do you see that are directly or indirectly related to how you are doing in this area?
- Are there ways you could possible adjust or fine tune your efforts that could make a positive difference in both the spirit and the will of your kids?
by Ed Wimberly | May 1, 2019
Marriage is Work.
Well, not really; and yes, kind of. But it doesn’t have to be the kind of work it is for so many couples these days. And it certainly doesn’t have to be the kind of work that too often leads to little or no positive results and leaves both worn down and worn out.
I am writing this series for three reasons:
- I am convinced that marriage does not have to be the constant and futile hard work that wares so many down and over time, wares them out.
- There are so many marriage relationships that are a shell of their former selves, and after years of hard work, they experience little if any positive “return on investment”;
- The third reason for this series is this: While it is not impossible – we all know of exceptions – raising kids from the foundation of a healthy marriage relationship sure does make the job easier, more achievable, and even more enjoyable. Yes, there are many exceptions where somehow, out of the chaos and unhappiness between Mom and Dad, emerged a healthy and happy child. I think most would agree, however, that this is usually more the exception than it is the rule.
A goal of “Making your marriage work without making work of your marriage” is to encourage any who are over worked and under satisfied in their relationship, to reconsider that just maybe a successful marriage is possible, and that there is hope for reviving the relationship that once excited them, invigorated them, and enlivened them both.
Hopefully these ideas and suggestions will provide a catalyst for discussion between you and your spouse. In order to be helpful, it is best that you participate by reading and addressing these ideas together. And yes, it will take work, but it will be the kind of constructive work that hopefully produces lasting results, and will lead you both out of the habit and pattern of working so hard, but on the wrong issues. It will be the kind of work that will direct your efforts toward dealing more effectively on the real problems rather than just the symptoms of those problems.
I have made it a habit to begin most talks I give on this subject, with a question. Actually, I begin with two questions, but the first one doesn’t really count, since the answer is obvious. Nonetheless, I ask it. The first is this:
“How many of you here today have either gone through a divorce, or had someone close to you go through a divorce?”
The answer is obvious. Of course, everyone has.
After a show of hands from just about everyone (there is always some guy in the back row who doesn’t really want to be there and doesn’t want to play my silly game), I ask the second and more important question:
“What were some of the apparent problems that caused the marriage you were involved in or observed, to end?
The answers are consistently the usual suspects: irreconcilable differences, money issues, temper, physical or emotional abuse, unfaithfulness, religious differences, disagreements over how to raise the kids, in-law difficulties, and issues surrounding sex.
This is where I point out what I believe is a common and critical confusion between underlying problems and the symptoms that develop as a result of those problems going undetected and unaddressed.
As long as troublesome symptoms are confused with the real problem rather than understood to be the result of underlying problems, then any effort to save and revitalize a faltering marriage is very hard work that wares us down, and is usually futile.
As long as troublesome symptoms are confused with and identified as the real problem rather than understood to be the result of ignored and underlying problems, then any effort to save and revitalize a faltering marriage is at best, very hard work that wares us down and out, and is usually futile.
The 4 articles that follow will address what I believe to be the four most common and recurring underlying problems that lie below the surface and give rise to a myriad of destructive symptoms.
Confusing troublesome symptoms with underlying problems is a common error made by so many hurting and struggling couples who are sincerely and desperately working to fix and improve their relationship. In fact, it is a flaw in many a therapist’s office as well. Even when a couple has gone for professional help, it is often only the symptoms that are addressed and treated, leaving the real problems in place, untreated, and free to give rise to further troubles and difficulties.
We either exert the effort to dig down and take care of the root system of those pesky weeds once and for all or we choose the quicker and easier route of cutting them off at the surface; it really is easier, quicker, and even looks better initially. But the results are short lived.
It is perhaps a simplistic analogy, but addressing the symptoms that trouble us without digging into the underlying problems is similar to the task of weeding an otherwise beautiful garden. We either exert the effort to dig down and take care of the root system of those pesky weeds once and for all or we choose the quicker and easier route of cutting them off at the surface; it really is easier, quicker, and even looks better initially. But the results are short lived. Any good gardener out there knows that.
Very soon, the task of ridding that beautiful garden of the pesky and unsightly weeds must be undertaken once again. Eventually, the necessity of having to repeat our efforts wares us down, and eventually we may give up. That beautiful garden becomes overgrown and may even be abandoned altogether-all because the symptom (the weed) was addressed but the problem (the root system) was left to grow yet another weed.
And who among us would go to a physician for a chronic cough, and not insist that the underlying cause for that cough be found and treated? Although we are given cough suppressants, without finding and treating the underlying problem, our cough would persist and possibly become a serious threat to our overall health and well-being. How could we expect or tolerate any different outcome when it comes to our emotional and relational health and well-being?
There are no doubt many other underlying problems that may lead to symptoms which create repetitive work and ultimate failure in relationships. None, however, are more common than the four that the following articles will address. And no others are as destructive in terms of the symptoms they may create as are these four.
In an attempt to whet your appetite just a bit, listed below are what I believe to be the four most common and destructive underlying problems that consistently give rise to many of the “relationship-busting” symptoms. At the end of each of the four articles you will find a few questions that may help in the process of discovering and addressing any underlying problems that may be giving rise to the symptoms you’d like to eliminate from your relationship.
I hope you enjoy reading this series. And I hope that reading it will eventually lead to far less work, and far more pleasure and satisfaction between you and your spouse.
Four Most Common Problems
- Fear of being vulnerable
- Past unmet needs
- False assumptions
- Faulty communication patterns brought on by baggage we bring into our marriage
by Ed Wimberly | Oct 20, 2019
FEAR OF BEING VULNERABLE
We could begin with any of the four underlying problems listed in the introduction, since they all carry with them the potential for creating difficulty in our marriages. However, I have chosen to begin with the fear of intimacy since of the four, it is the one underlying problem that is most common to all of us “normal neurotics”.
Granted, for many it is present in such a small dose that it is practically undetectable and not much of an issue at all. Nonetheless, for reasons I will suggest here, we all struggle with a fear of intimacy to some degree and at various times in our lives. It may be situational and it may come and go from time to time and from relationship to relationship, but we all experience to some degree, a fear of the very thing we want in our relationships.
It is also important to point out that while each of us has this fear in common with our fellow human beings it is not the way any of us started out in our journey through life. In fact, the opposite is true originally; what we all have in common from birth is a very strong need and drive for physical as well as emotional intimacy with others, rather than a fear of it.
We will eventually get to how our fear of intimacy can lead to lots of hard work that wares us down and out in our marriage, but first let’s take a look at where our need for intimacy comes from, and how we all to various degrees also develop the need to insulate and protect ourselves from the very thing we want the most.
OUR GOD-GIVEN NEED FOR INTIMACY
In order to understand our fear of intimacy, we must also understand our original and innate need for it. It first shows up in the form of physical intimacy but it is only a matter of time until our physical needs for connecting with others begins to include the need for emotional connection with others as well.
We were all born with the God-given need, capacity and drive for both emotional and physical intimacy. It is only later-but early on-that our fear of the very intimacy we so strongly desire from birth is learned and acquired. This learning to fear the very intimacy we originally craved usually comes about gradually and as a result of our many imperfect and less than ideal experiences and relationships that came our way after birth, especially during, but not limited to, our early formative years.
Anyone who doubts this notion of an early and innate need for connecting with others by way of physical intimacy need only observe the behavior patterns of a toddler.
Early on very significant and convincing signs of a need for intimacy via physical touch begin to appear as they reach out to be held, as they smile when cuddled, and by the sound of cooing when those around them physically stroke and touch them with loving care.
In my book, I relate a story about a discovery that was made quite by chance in England during the 1940’s. This discovery occurred in an orphanage located somewhere in London, and it gives further credence to the importance and even necessity of physical closeness and intimacy we humans are born with.
This orphanage was actually little more than a warehouse for either unwanted babies, or for those whose parents had been killed or were missing as a result of the ravages of war. It was not a place where the emotional and intimacy needs of the babies were addressed. In fairness, little was known at the time about the importance of touch and physical closeness. Furthermore, the staff was no doubt so consumed with the physical and survival needs of these babies that time would not have allowed for much more than the bare necessities anyway. And it did provide an important service of shelter, clothing and nutritional sustenance for these little war babies.
The death rate of babies brought to this particular orphanage for care and protection was consistently around 50%. Nearly one half of the babies brought in died within a year and a half of their arrival. Then one day someone came up with the notion of actually taking the time to touch the babies each day. So the order was given that every employee of the orphanage from director to janitor was required to reach down and touch every baby they passed during the course of their daily responsibilities and duties. They were not required to pick them up or to spend much time in touching them; they were simply instructed to reach down and gently stroke any infant they came within an arm’s length of.
The eventual results of this new requirement were astounding and completely unexpected. Within two years of this new mandate to touch and gently stroke the babies, the mortality rate dropped from 50% to right around 15%! While this is far from a scientifically significant study, some degree of cause-effect could be argued, especially in light of what we have since learned about the importance of human touch and the well- being of infants.
To further support the importance of physical intimacy during our early years, it has been shown through brain scans that the actual brain size is generally larger among infants who have been given more physical stimulation early in their development. Those babies who received more stroking, coddling and holding developed a larger brain size than babies who had been given only minimal amounts of physical stimulation. In addition, the babies who were given less physical touch developed more space between their brain spheres than those who had received more attention physically. These brain size differences were found even though the babies in both groups received similar and adequate nutrition.
While the first and early signs of our need for intimacy are physical, this need slowly begins to include the need for emotional intimacy with others as well. As our need for physical touch becomes more of a valuable luxury and less a necessity for survival, our need for emotional intimacy increases. But as the old milk commercial goes, “You never out grow your need for milk”, so too it could be said that as we grow and mature past our childhood years, we never outgrow our need for the physical touch of others, but we do develop a need for emotional intimacy as well.
OUR NEED FOR PROTECTION AND INSULATION
In spite of our originally strong and intense need for physical and emotional intimacy with others, something else that is interesting (unfortunate might be a better description) inevitably begins to happen along the way. And it can complicate our lives and relationships dramatically. Very early on we begin to encounter experiences with others that slowly but surely begin to create a conflict with our original need for intimacy. As a result of these imperfect experiences and relationships, we begin to think that maybe, “this intimacy stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I just got hurt and I need to protect myself”.
“I just reached out to be close and I got pushed aside. Maybe it doesn’t pay to be vulnerable and to trust. Maybe I’d better protect myself, insulate myself so I can’t be hurt like that again. Maybe I shouldn’t let myself be so vulnerable next time.”
“Mommy always held me when I needed it. Now there’s a new baby that takes up all her time”.
“All I wanted was to play and daddy pulled the paper up in front of his face”.
“I just wanted to talk about my bad day and all I got was, ‘Get over it. We all have bad days once in a while’”.
“I told daddy I was scared at school and he told me to grow up and stop complaining”.
“Just because mommy and daddy don’t want to live together should not mean that I can’t see daddy every day. And sometimes when I do see him, he doesn’t seem to be too excited to see me”
“When mommy and daddy fight, I get yelled at”.
It is of course natural and even inevitable that many of our needs to be close could not have always been satisfied by Mom and Dad. The best of mom’s give birth to another baby who then takes up some of her time and attention that was once just ours. The best of daddies from time to time choose the paper over his child’s need for closeness. The best of parents can get so wrapped up in what they are doing that they lose sight of the importance of stopping to listen, to support, and to encourage. This is why we all to some degree have come to the conclusion early on that, “This intimacy stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m going to insulate and protect myself from being hurt again”.
As we grow older and our world expands beyond the confines of our childhood house, the security of our back yard, and our relationship with mommy and daddy, there continue to be the inevitable relational bumps and scrapes that can reinforce and verify what we concluded in the very early years of life. The passage of time provides no assurance that the emotional and relational hurt is behind us. In fact, it isn’t.
“Now that my best friend has a boyfriend, she doesn’t seem to have time for me”.
“Being laughed at by my friends makes me feel like none of them care”.
“The only person I really ever loved just died. I will never let myself get close to anyone like that again”.
“Whenever I try to express my true feelings to my spouse, they are never acknowledged; I’m done trying to let him/her know me better”.
“This intimacy stuff isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be. I reached out, I took a risk, I committed myself to this person and I got hurt. Sometimes, it’s just not worth taking the risk of being vulnerable”.
“I just said, ‘I love you’, and the sentiment was not returned. I need to protect myself from being hurt like that again”.
“I just got left, (jilted, cheated on, rejected, etc) by the only person I really ever wanted to be with. I will never let myself be vulnerable in a relationship again”.
“I spilled my soul to my friend, and they didn’t really hear me or care about what I was telling them. I will never confide in them again”.
“I trusted my friend to understand my side of the story and all I got back was criticism. I will never be so painfully honest with anyone again”.
“I took the risk of being vulnerable by kindly challenging my friend about how he was treating me, and I never heard from him again”.
“I confided my hurt and insecurities to my best friend and by the end of the day three people had heard all about it. That’s the last time I will confide in others”.
Can you relate to any of these relational pitfalls? Haven’t we all experienced some of these less than perfect relational experiences?
The list of “intimacy-busting” experiences we have all encountered in childhood as well as later in our lives could go on and on. Whether we have experienced some of life’s inevitable hurts and disappointments like the ones above, or we have had more traumatic and painful ones, we have all had experiences that have led us to develop a need for some degree of insulation against further hurt.
The point is not to blame our less than perfect moms and dads, or anyone else for that matter, but rather, to suggest that in the best of families, in the best of relationships, there are experiences, mistakes, events and misunderstandings that all of us have had that leave us questioning our emotional safety with others. Granted, the degree to which we develop a need for insulation varies significantly from person to person, but we have all been affected, and as a result we fear the very thing we want most in our relationships-that is, to able to trust, to be close, to be vulnerable, and to be in intimate relationships with others.
CONFLICT BETWEEN INTIMACY AND OUR NEED FOR SELF-PROTECTION
What we can expect from this conflict between our need for intimacy, and our need to protect ourselves, is an internal tension that many bring into their marriage relationship. Again, this “intimacy-insulation conflict” may be so minimal in some of us that it is hardly detectable, while in others it is clear and obvious in how they live their lives and how they behave and conduct themselves in their marriage relationships.
Nonetheless, we all struggle to some degree with this conflict between our need for intimacy, and our need to protect by insulating ourselves. And it is this conflict that we bring into our marriage-and other relationships for that matter- that can create many of the destructive symptoms (I call them “secondary problems”) that make a marriage so much work. And of course, the possibility for difficulties increases when both people entering into their relationship bring with them the similar intimacy-insulation conflict.
Some of you will hardly relate to this notion of being afraid of intimacy since you have had very few of the negative relational experiences that can lead to such a conflict. And then some of you will relate strongly to the notion and see the conflict between two very strong and opposing needs for intimacy and insulation.
So apply to yourself and your relationship only what really seems to fit. What is important is that you talk with each other about these ideas and notions and whether they pertain to your marriage. At the end of this chapter, you will find several questions that might be helpful in directing your discussion.
OUR NEED FOR SELF-PROTECTION AND THE SYMPTOMS WE CREATE
It is unfortunate that we cannot just occasionally withdraw when we are fearful of being hurt, rather than creating a justification for our need to protect ourselves. Better yet, if we could simply tell our partner that we feel vulnerable and fear being hurt by them, rather than behaving in ways that are unconsciously designed to create a distance that provides safety.
If we could simply state that, “I’m feeling uncomfortably vulnerable with you and am afraid of being hurt”. Or, “Being vulnerable in past relationships has often led to my being hurt. When we get into these situations/discussions, I am afraid of that pattern repeating itself with us. I’m struggling with the need to protect myself. Can we talk about it?”
Acknowledging our fears in this manner helps eliminate the need to create destructive symptoms in order to justify our withdrawal and self-protection. What can happen instead is that we actually create a conflict over something that is minor and even insignificant in order to justify and make sense of our need to retreat into safety and to withdraw when we fear being hurt.
WOW! Even I’m a bit overwhelmed by what may sound like a bunch of psycho-babble to some of you. So, if you have been patient and are still reading, maybe an example will help to describe more clearly how easy it is to confuse the underlying fear of intimacy with the surface symptoms that can pop up in hundreds of different ways.
THE BACKGROUND BEHIND AARON AND JULIES’ CURRENT DIFFICULTIES
Aaron was raised in a home where Mom and Dad were always on the go. They weren’t particularly bad parents but they lacked the nurturing qualities that all little kids need. More often than not, when he reached out to be held, talked to or just attended to in small ways, the response he got from his busy mom and dad was a token pat on the head and then gently pushed aside and sent on his way (remember:“This intimacy stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It hurts to be pushed aside for other things”). Gradually, Aaron gave up and due to his need for safety, no longer tried (insulated himself) to have an intimate relationship with Mom and Dad.
Fast forward twenty years.
Aaron is now married to Julie. Because his past efforts consistently fell short of the intimate relationship he needed with Mom and Dad, he is now reluctant to initiate or even respond to Julie when she tries to connect with him. His typical attitude and response is to be distant, indifferent, and to withdraw, but is unaware of how the pain of his past lies buried beneath his current need to insulate and protect himself from Julie.
(Since it is difficult to withdraw and protect oneself without an explanation or reason, we (in this case, Aaron) may unconsciously create a justification for self-protection by setting the other person up to behave in a way that appears to justify our need to protect ourselves from the potential pain of intimacy.)
Aaron knows from past experiences with Julie that when he criticizes and embarrasses her in public, she (understandably) becomes angry and resentful and communicates her lack of respect for a man who would treat her in such a way.
Aaron now feels justified to reason, “Why would I want to be close to an angry wife who resents me and refuses to respect me!? I am now justified in maintaining my distance (insulation) where I feel safe”.
AARON AND JULIES’ PRESENTING “PROBLEM” TO THE THERAPIST
Julie: “Aaron is distant, refuses to let me in, and constantly criticizes and embarrasses me in front of my friends”.
Aaron: “I’m married to an angry and resentful woman who refuses to respect me”
The real and underlying problem behind the troublesome symptoms is Aaron’s childhood hurt and sense of rejection. (never mind what baggage Julie might have brought in to the marriage). Because he learned as a child to insulate and protect himself from the hurt of failed attempts at emotional intimacy, he continues to do so in his relationship with Julie.
If Aaron and Julie cut the weed off at the surface by dealing only with the presenting symptoms, then, the weed will grow back, either in the form of the same original symptoms, or as new but equally debilitating ones.
Rather than making their marriage work, they will make work of their marriage.
There are of course, additional examples that could be given. So much more could be said about what all of us- to varying degrees- must face and struggle with because of our less than perfect relationship experiences. Hopefully the above example will make clear how our experiences from the past can affect our willingness and ability to take the many risks required for true and lasting, in-depth intimacy with others.
So to summarize the ideas about our intimacy-insulation conflict:
- We are all born with an innate need, drive and capacity for connecting with others by way of intimacy.
- Through our many imperfect life experiences, we develop a fear of the very intimacy needs we were born with.
- Many of us create “symptoms” in order to justify our self-protection and call those symptoms, “the problem”.
- When we deal only with the symptoms and ignore the underlying problems, rather than make our marriage work, we make work of our marriage.
As I have suggested several times above, the degree to which this all fits for us human beings varies significantly from person to person. However, if you feel these ideas relate to you at all, I would encourage you to follow up by considering the questions provided below.
And as always, please feel free to weigh in with any ideas you might have regarding all of this.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Are there experiences or relationships in your past that affect your current ability to trust?
- Did any of the “intimacy busting” experiences occur in your current relationship?
- Is there anything your spouse can do to help you regain your ability to trust him/her again?
- What are some of the fears you must face in your efforts to trust again?
