Is there Really a Difference between Discipline and Punishment?

In our everyday conversation, most of us use the words “punishment” and “discipline” interchangeably. We naturally assume that both words describe the same effort we make when we want to change a behavior or attitude in our kids. The purpose of the 7 articles is to suggest that there are significant distinctions between the two if our goal is to be successful parents.

While making the distinction between the two in every day conversation with others may seem unnecessary, the differences between the two are actually what can mean  the difference between raising kids that are healthy and well-grounded, and those that are not. So it is important to have a practical and working understanding of the differences between discipline-based parenting and punishment-based parenting. It is of equal importance that we understand how the results of using one rather than the other may affect our kids in very different and unfortunate ways.

Personality characteristics vary from one child to the other, even within the same family.  One might be more willing to take risks while the other tends to be more cautious and less adventurous.  One may be moody and quiet, while the other is known for being more carefree.

As you read, keep in mind that kids are all so different from one to the other.  Personality characteristics vary from one child to the other, even within the same family.  One might be more willing to take risks while the other tends to be more cautious and less adventurous.  One may be moody and quiet, while the other is known for being more carefree. How our kids interact socially, the amount of ambition and drive they have, the ways they learn, the degree to which they are dependent or independent, are but a few of the characteristic differences. These distinctions are what make each one of them the unique individual they are.

And how our kids respond to our efforts to discipline can also be quite different from one to the other.  What works with one to bring about a desired change in attitude or behaviors might not work as well with another.  What may work for us in our family with our kids might not work so well in another family. All of these and other response differences in our kids is what makes knowing how to discipline successfully yet another challenging task we take on when we make the decision to become parents.

What it took from us and how they would respond was quite different most of the time and it was because of these differences that as parents we had to discipline differently much of the time.

Our two daughters were quite different from each other in many ways.  Ashley, our oldest, seemed to be born in neutral.  She wasn’t lazy by any stretch of the imagination but she was content much of the time to simply be still and quiet. Allyson, on the other hand, was born not only in gear and ready to go, but turbo charged as well!  They were both quite different when it came to discipline as well.  What it took from us and how they would respond was quite different most of the time and it was because of these differences that as parents we had to discipline differently much of the time. For one, it often just took “that look” of displeasure; for the other, it was more likely to take a gentle swat on the be-hind.  (I will leave it to you to decide which was which!)

So our kids are all different in many ways.  And how they respond to our efforts to disciple will vary from one to the other as well. It is for this reason that it is necessary to individually design-at least to some degree-how we discipline our kids.

But it is important also to consider the differences between disciplining our kids and simply punishing them. These differences are what make our task difficult at times and why I am posting some of my ideas regarding the subtle differences I see between Discipline-based parenting and punishment-based parenting.

So I invite you to check in periodically to read all 7 articles I will be posting here from time to time. And as always, I invite and welcome any feedback you might have. To pique your interest, I have listed the 7 article titles I will be offering here.

Seven Characteristic Differences

1. Discipline-Based Parenting is consistent and when possible, involves predetermined consequences; Punishment-Based Parenting is inconsistent and unpredictable.
2. Discipline-Based Parenting teaches values that are generalized to other situations; Punishment-Based Parenting teaches, “I’d better not get caught next time”.
3. Discipline-Based Parenting involves communication and follow-up along with our action; Punishment-Based Parenting involves few words of explanation, and action that leaves kids surprised and puzzled.
4. Discipline-Based Parenting creates closeness, intimacy, and an ability to trust others; Punishment-Based Parenting creates distance, insulation, and kids who are angry, rebellious, and slow to trust.
5. Discipline-Based Parenting takes place while we are still in control of ourselves; Punishment-Based Parenting takes place out of anger, frustration, and with little self-control.
6. Discipline-Based Parenting knows that challenges to authority are normal and can be used to teach values and expectations; Punishment-Based Parenting wants only to change the unacceptable behaviors and attitudes.
7. Discipline-Based Parenting recognizes the difference between mistakes and challenges to authority; Punishment-Based Parenting does not.